It doesn’t get any scarier than this
This Halloween week marks the half-way point for most AFC North teams. The slowly decaying Ravens and Browns try to salvage their season beginning Sunday (and this week they mean it), while the Bengals release The Ginger on over-sized adults in bumblebee costumes.
Baltimore Ravens
The Ravens secondary could be mistaken for the walking dead, but fans should feel a sense of relief knowing that Baltimore is #4 in the nation with its ability to defend a zombie apocalypse.
My Take: Its tough to tell if the Ravens defensive backs are pretending to be, or actually are corpses in Ravens clothing. On the offensive side, Joe Flacco seems to be cursed by a rogue disembodied spirit that only he can see- one who runs routes, flashes like he is open, but is really standing right next to two opposing cornerbacks.
Cleveland Browns
Destroyed property and self-inflicted bodily harm has been the result of the most terrifying read to ever come out of Cleveland: the list of Browns quarterbacks since 1999.
My Take: Bengals and Ravens fans should climb off of the roof, jump in their car, and drive to The Grave of the Unremarkable Quarterback to see how frightening things could have been. Sure, Bengals fans are currently having a party on their roof, but they will be staying up there just in case until mid January at the earliest (well, at least the ones who survived the 2012, 2013, and 2014 massacres following the optimism of 2011).
Cincinnati Bengals
Instead of discussing the potential “Halloween Revolt” in Cincinnati by the loser group “National Liberation Militia” lets talk about soulless gingers.
-Red hair is a genetic mutation.
-In medieval Europe, Malleus Maleficarum instructed that red hair and green eyes were marks of a witch, as were freckles.
-Redheads tend to bleed more.
-In the late 16th century, the fat of a redheaded man was an essential ingredient for poison.
-In ancient Egypt, red hair was seen as so unlucky, red-haired girls were burned alive.
…And finally,
-Bees are thought to sting redheads more than others.
My Take: If I had known the nugget about the bees, I would have changed my prediction to a Steelers victory. I don’t think its a coincidence they chose to wear bumblebee unis this week.
Pittsburgh Steelers
Although there are plenty of scary looking Steelers of the past, the most current has a large head and chin(s) and is looking to comeback and play this week.
My Take: I get why Big Ben is attempting to come back for this game despite rehab setbacks over the last couple of weeks. The team will have no shot at beating the Bengals without him, but he hasn’t exactly shined in return games (because he tends to come back too early).
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