Not Really an Overreaction

Well now that we are in the black hole of the sporting calendar and there is nothing worthy of mention happening until the people of Boston can see the grass again (that should happen right around July), I guess we should all think warm thoughts and get an update in the race for the Offseason Cup (the offseason award has taken a name worthy of a soccer trophy because the Fins usually win it and their fans aren’t generally from this country).

Current standings look something like this:

1^st place: The Buffalo Bills. The Bills are taking this offseason competition very seriously; they’ve brought in an industrial hot air dispenser to combat any major storms and can also help move their defense into the top 5 in the NFL. Said hot air dispenser also has extensive experience working with bad, young QBs who can’t really throw too well, so that’s good. If the Bills can find a way to sign Kyle Orton 2.0- Josh McCown to a deal that is both too long and for too much money, then they might be able to seal this thing up early. (Note from the peanut gallery: Orton was at least a decent QB, McCown blows like a winter breeze off of Lake Erie)

2^nd place: The Miami Dolphins. The Fins have to be a little upset that someone else is looking to get their sticky fingers on what is traditionally a South FLA celebration, but have no fear the Fins aren’t sitting on their hands. The Dolphins are well on their way to setting a record for “Most Levels of Middle Management” and certainly will take home the title of “Most Utterly Baffling Management Structure of All Time.” Let me attempt to break it down for you. Joe Philbin, whose Patton-esque leadership qualities would in most situations land the party in question out on the unemployment line, instead was given a bat phone directly up to the owners’ office and given a card that says “I don’t have to listen to you, Steve’s my boss.” This way, Ole Joe no longer needs to suffer the frustration of dealing with the lesser minds in the front office, we can go and do finger paints and Play Dough with Ross whenever he’d like. If that wasn’t enough for you, the Fins have decided to add a few extra layers of management and when you want to add a useless level of middle management, who else would you call but Mike Tannebaum; the brilliant architect of the 2011and 2012 Jets. Dawn Aponte is also rumored to have copied herself into 53 cyborgs so that now every player has their own Dawn-Bot to report to. This should make communication between the team on the field and the front office seamless.

3^rd place: The New England Patriots. The Pats have done next to nothing except nurse the gigantic hangover that comes after winning the Super Bowl, but just not being the Jets Puts them in third.

Last Place: The Jets. They Jets went back to the well in Seattle for a GM, because it worked out so well the first time; and they went out and signed a decent defensive coach who when asked to read the offensive playbook is rumored to have asked, “What’s the word on the cover that begins with the O?” On the plus side, the Jets released a couple of guys and most of them came out and said what we all knew before they got released, that the Jets are a dysfunctional organization that really knows nothing about the game of football. Oh well, have a good offseason Jets fans; it’s only gonna get worse when the season starts.