Good morning! I decided to title this article as such because I felt that it would be nice to include the Jets, Bills and Dolphins in an article about the playoffs, since they are so seldom included in such conversations…We’ve had a busy week in the division, so let’s get right to the news.
We’ll start with the biggest news of the week, Rob Ryan is joining his brother in Buffalo. The news sent shockwaves throughout the region as all you can eat buffet owners raced to adjust the fine print on their customer service policies and double their insurance coverage. On the field, having the Ryan Brothers as Co-Head coaches is sure to have an instant and lasting effect. Rob has proven time and time again that he has what it takes to turn a mediocre defense into the stuff of legend (you know, legendarily terrible). On the plus side, the Bills look to be ready to part ways with Mario Williams, a guy that was not only a menacing pass rusher, but he also was a good neighbor to Bills’ royalty, Jim Kelly in his time of need…The bastard! It’s a big offseason for the Ryan boys, maybe Rex can finally bust through that lap band and take the Bills to the playoffs.
The second biggest news of the week (as you can see, we’re measuring the size of the news by the weight of the individual in question), was the Miami Dolphins getting their man in Adam Gase. Gase is rumored to be a QB guru, he took “He Who Miust Not Be Named” and turned him into a QB serviceable enough to fool the Jets into trading a draft pick for him (and also beating the Steelers in a playoff game), he did the unthinkable and managed to seal Peyton Manning sphincter long enough to reach the Super Bowl (that ended like a bout of bird flu, but keeping Peyton from pooping himself for two straight playoff games is a remarkable feat) and he even managed to keep Jay Cutler from being a complete and total a-hole for an entire NFL season. So all in all, Gase is already better than any coach the history of the Miami Dolphins (*according to the Boston media, where I am based, the NFL came into existence in 2001). Chances are he won’t lead them to “many, many Super Bowls” like the owner said yesterday, but he may in fact be able to make them less of a laughing stock (assuming Tannenbaum doesn’t “Tannenbaum Up” the roster).
And the Jets, I guess no news is good news. They missed the playoffs, but it was by less than usual and no one has since been arrested. So all’s well in New Jersey.
And last but not least, the New England Patriots. Chandler Jones found out who he would be playing on Saturday and celebrated by ODing on something and taking an early morning ambulance ride. The good news here is that the good people at the Foxboro Police Department did the right thing and deleted the report of him stopping by, so Ted Wells has nothing to go on. Even if he is forced to miss the playoffs with a suspension, it’s not like he would be missed on the field, it may even give someone who might actually make a play the opportunity to do so. Regardless of what happens with Jones this season, this event may finally be the thing the gets that bum off this team. Now to the game, it looks like everyone will be healthy and ready to play. This means one of two things will happen; the coach will re-engage and take things seriously, and the Pats will roll over the Chiefs. Or the other option is that the coach’s mind is already aboard the Six Rings and they will be fishing by Tuesday. For two weeks I’ve been predicting the latter, but with the new news of Vegas making the Pats only the second or third favorite to win the Super Bowl (no one believes in us…) and some Chief throwing out a deflategate tweet, I may be starting to lean towards the former.