What’s the meaning of life? Who is Derek Carr’s real father (spoiler alert: it’s Darth Vader)? Will the Browns ever win a game? Should Eric Dickerson be allowed on the Rams Sideline? Does God really exist? For centuries people have turned to one man for the answers to life’s great mysteries. That man is Negrodamus.
I, Negrodamus, am back. As always, my predictions will always be right. You can take these to the bank. Cash your check. Take out some twenties and take them to your local bookie and bet on it. Want to know the over under? The line? The points? The spread? Good. You can find it here. I know nothing about gambling. I don’t even know what most of those terms mean. But that doesn’t matter. Let the gentle hand of Negrodamus guide you to all the riches you can imagine. LET IT BEGGGGGGIIIIIIIIINNNNNN
#1: Cowboys at Vikings: 10 game win streak. Dak attack. Feed Zeek the freak. And on the other side we have Sammy Sleeves and the replacements. Oh, by the way, Diggs is back. Great. After starting 5-0, losing their offensive coordinator and now their head coach (and that’s just on the sideline…let’s not even talk about the on the field players they’ve lost), this looks like an awful match up for the Vikings. “America’s Team” is back baby. I foresee 77 yards rushing for Zeek with 1 TD. Dak throws 1 TD and 1 INT. And for Sammy Sleeves? I see 0 TDs and 2 INTs. I like the Cowboys 14-0.
#2: Chiefs at Falcons: My former mentor Yoda once told me, “Adventure. Excitement. A Jedi craves not these things.”. Well then Andy Reid must be a Jedi. I have trouble staying awake when I watch the Cheifs play. I hear that children in Kansas City often have radio calls of the Cheifs games instead of night lights. In my vision I see Tampa winning, which makes this game a must win for the Falcons. Matty Ice will go off. The Atlanta running game will go off. I foresee a 63 yard touchdown run for FreeColeMan. Two touchdowns for me and Julio down by the school yard. A disturbance in the force I sense. 4 sacks for Justin Houston. An interception for Marcus Peters. I like the Chiefs 23-21.
#3: Texans at Packers: I was originally going to write about what is the better and more important Dolphins v Ravens game. But since our lovely site has the AFC North/East covered I thought I’d tackle the “we should be better bowl”. The Texans should have called me before they signed the live action version of Gumby. I would have told them that this would be the biggest theft in Texas since the US stole Texas from the Mexicans. A.A. Ron is trying to pretend like he’s Aaron Rodgers. That’s cute. I foresee three passing touchdowns for Rodgers and another rushing. But I think the guilt in Gumby has gotten so bad that he finally has a good game. And throw in a safety for Clowney. I like the Texans 25-21.
#4: Giants at Steelers: Look. For the last 5-7 years we have enjoyed relative peace at the wide receiver position. The days of the Diva WR like Moss, TO, and Ocho seemed to be long gone. Replaced by the respectable quite guys like Calvin Johnson, AJ Green and Julio Jones. In walks in a Black Lego and Burnt Top Ramen and all the sudden we’re losing our minds. The Blego is twerking and gyrating his hips! So sexual! Quick honey, hide the kids…wouldn’t want them to ever know how to properly satisfy a woman. Top Ramen meanwhile, is losing fights to field goal nets, making up with aforementioned field goal nets and generally driving every respectable, level headed 45 year old white guy within a 50 mile radius of the Jersey Turnpike insane. Shoot out alert. I foresee a penis measuring contest between our two goofy haired friends each with 3 TDs. The game will be decided by a man who doesn’t even have 10 fingers. I like the Giants 35-31.
#5 GAME OF THE WEEK: 49ers at Bears: You’re probably confused. By the time these two teams play they’ll have COMBINED the same number of wins as Tony Romo has had to watch Dallas get as a healthy backup. So why is this my game of the week you ask? Because, this is the battle for the 2nd overall pick in the draft. The Bears are currently up a game on the 49ers. Dumb idiots winning two games. But the 49ers have a QB who, had he not incurred the wrath of all of Cuba to then be channeled through it’s only(?) professional player Kiko Alonso, may have beat the 7-4 Dolphins. He’s really trying to keep his job. Earth to Kaep: You’re a better protester than you are quarterback. This game, for being between two garbage teams, has real future implications. Can the Bears eek out a win and hope that the NFL counts the Browns bye week as a W? Or will the 49ers continue their quest to get the number one overall pick so they can draft Deshaun Watson to replace Kaep so that no one cries “Racism!!! You only got rid of him because he’s black and he protested.” I like the Bears to get the W by way of that L, Kaep leads the 49ers to victory 17-14.
Now go forth and be merry my beautiful, beautiful children.
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