Hey look, there are professional footballers playing live games! I mean most of the ones that played last week won’t be professionals for long, but it’s the best we’ve got, so let’s talk about it.
In last place we find the New England Patriots. THE SKY IS FALLING, THE SKY IS FALLING!!!!! What a letdown for those poor, disenchanted Pats fans. The quest for 23-0 was stymied in the very first contest of the season. Not only did the Pats lose, but they lost to the Jags. I’ll at least give the Jags this: Their HC was smart enough to flee Buffalo. Otherwise they suck and the Pats ought to be embarrassed in themselves. Jimmy G sucks (who would’ve thunk it?), his stat line actually looks good but anyone with a set of functioning eyes that watched the game will realize that those were hollow stats and the idiot didn’t learn one thing when it comes to getting rid of the ball or sensing a blitz. Fuck that guy, if he’s really the successor to Brady, then Pats fans are going to learn what it was like during the JP Losman or Cleo Lemon years. The Pats stink, BB has lost it and the division is surely up for grabs.
In second to last place, the Bills. The Bills lost, but at least they lost to a team that can say that they know what a football is. Rookie CB Tre’Davious (yes, that’s his real name) White had a quiet night, and rookie WR Zay Jones sucked. The best player on the Bills’ offense is no longer a part of the team and the defense was average. What we did learn though is that rookie QB Nathan Peterman (heh, “Peter…”) is breathing down Tyrod’s back and will surely be the starting QB by about week 7. The real news about the Bills last week though was their announcement that they are going all in on the tank job this year in an effort to secure the #1 pick in the 2018 draft. It’s been a cold summer in Western, NY, so the hope and optimism that normally abounds this time of year has been tough to find. Looks like this is definitely not the year, but definitely next year…
On to the winners…
By beating the team that SHOULD have won the Super Bowl last year, the Fins are well positioned to make a run towards’ the type of glory that hasn’t been seen in Dade County since the days of single bar facemasks. The Fins showcased their impressive depth, not even needing to suit up their savior Jay Cutler, but just you wait until this week when Jay will be unleashed upon the world…Young Fales showed the world that he’s ready for the big show, dropping dimes on unsuspecting Falcon defenders while what has to be the greatest collection of Wide Receivers since the Greatest Show On Turf showcased to the world that this will surely be a record setting year for the Fins.
And in first place, just because I’m fairly confident that it’ll be the last time this happens for some time…The New York Jets. The Jets won a baseball game, 7-3 over the Titans, but the greatest story coming out of the swamps was the elite game management showed by Jets’ future “star” QB Christian Hackenberg. Hack showed the world that he is no hack and he’s now got a better winning percentage than that shitty QB up in NE that people think will be the next great thing. I mean he didn’t lead his team to any points, but that’s not the point. It’s how you play the game…I don’t know what ese to say, the Jets are going to be just good enough to keep Todd Bowles employed.
Bonus section:
F… CYRUS JONES WITH A RUSTY POKER, THEN F… HIM AGAIN WITH A BROKEN WINE BOTTLE, THEN LOCK HIM IN A ROOM WITH A BUNCH OF DETOXING HEROIN ADDICTS. WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT THAT GUY IS.
That is all.
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