Another week in the books. And oh the twists and turns we’ve seen this season, there have been incredible highs, stunning lows and the New York Jets. Who have found levels of suck that were previously unknown. So here we go:
Surprise, surprise, the Jets are in last place. Might as well get comfortable Jets fans it looks like you may be stuck in mom’s basement until at least 2017. The Jets had the good fortune of getting a west coast team at home (on the east coast) for a 1 o’clock game. Historically this is a scheduled loss for the visitors and it takes a special brand of terrible for the home team to find a way to lose. Well, the Jets had their QB of the future on the field on Sunday so of course they found a way to suck bad enough to lose, the field goal kicking contest that broke out in New Jersey. The Jets’ locker room is a disaster; “star” defensive linemen Sheldon Richardson and Mo Wilkerson have totally checked out on Sleepy Todd just days after the two of them were suspended for the first half of the Dolphins game, Wilkerson skipped not only the teams’ game walkthrough, but his own birthday celebration. I mean you can’t make this shit up. And now for our weekly check in on Fat Revis, who Sleepy continues to line up against the opponent’s best receiver (albeit 25 yds off the line of scrimmage). It didn’t go so well for the old tub of goo, Kenny Britt had nearly 100 yards in the first quarter. Just imagine if Jeff Fisher wasn’t a complete boob and played a semi-competent QB (i.e. the #1 overall pick from the previous draft), the score would have likely been 100-3 by halftime.
And now for the second to last place team in the division, the New England Patriots. The Pats were pretty awful this week. I haven’t seen a defense that shitty since 2011 and the Pats had Julien Edelman playing in the secondary. It takes something special to drop 9 (yes, 9) guys into coverage and still allow some no name receiver to be wide open (like 10 yards from the nearest defender, wide open) 25 yards down field. I’m pretty sure it’s time for Belichick to admit that he’s a shitty GM and he just needs to focus on coaching. Speaking of coaching, it’s rare that we can say the Pats were poorly coached in a game and I don’t think it was Belichick that was terrible, but his little buddy Matt Patricia’s giant beard may be cutting off the blood supply to his brain. What a fucking piece of shit that guy is, I can’t wait for next year when some stupid team (I’m looking at you Jets, Bengals and Colts) takes him as their head coach and I never have to look at his fat, ugly face again. Man, I fucking hate that guy. The offense wasn’t all that bad, they scored when they needed to, except of course at the end of the game when they needed it most. First and goal from the two and they end up with nothing. I can understand the first QB sneak that was designed to force Seattle into taking their final timeout, but the next three plays were no Bueno (OK, the second down try was decent), Brady fumbling the snap on a QB sneak, just plain shitty (if only he could have the balls deflated the way he likes) and that fourth down play was embarrassing. Nothing pisses me off more than playing for the flag, and that is clearly what the Pats were doing on that play. (I literally just sharted my pants while writing that, that’s how disgusted I am)
In second place, the Bills. I read one Bills fan say that the Bills found a way to lose on their bye week, I don’t agree. Injuries happen, as long as none of your players ended up dead or in jail, it’s a neutral week in my book.
And for like fourth time this season, in first place we find the Miami Dolphins. Yes, I’m as surprised as you are. The Fins headed out west to tussle with the Chargers and most of us expected a loss. Well color me impressed. The Fins not only won, but Ryan Tannehill showed us just how elite he is. Lauren’s husband managed the game spectacularly, completing 71% of his passes with two TDs. He even intercepted a pass thrown by Philip Rivers in the 4th quarter and returned it for the game winning touchdown. The Tanny supporters were right, he’s definitely as elite as Kirk Cousins. It looks like Adam Gase may yet have a little bit of that rookie coach magic and get the Fins to that 9-7 record that yours truly predicted before the season. Unfortunately, young Jay Aj^%$yi failed to reach 200 yards this week, in fact he failed to reach even 100 yards. But let’s not let that get us down, the Fins are just on the outside of playoff position and that’s worth celebrating. So line up the floats and fill those super soakers with lube, let’s get silly bitches!