Older AFCE

Taking a Thursday Troll in the AFC North

Taking a Thursday Troll in the AFC North
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While we at The Sideline Report do not condone trolling by its definition (see urban dictionary’s definition of “troll”, “trolling”, and “internet troll”), it is acceptable to expand on a subject that has legitimate comedic value. Players, teams, coaches, and even cities engage in behaviors that deserve our attention, and it is our duty to point out their flaws in a colorful way. AFC Northerners certainly have vast experience in these activities from both an offensive and defensive posture. After all, the it is the home (or former home) of Ray Lewis, Ray Rice, Ben Roethlisberger, Mike “two-step” Tomlin, Josh Gordon, Johnny Manziel, and… the Bengals.

In 2015’s first edition of Trolling Thursday, we will take a look at the coaches (and their teams) playing for the Super Bowl XLIX trophy. As most are aware, this year’s Super Bowl will be a match-up of arguably the NFL’s two best teams, and will also feature the most polarizing coaches in the NFL: The New England Patriots vs The Seattle Seahawks; and Bill Belichick vs Pete Carroll. It really is a trolling match made in heaven. The most difficult part about writing this was keeping it under 20 pages. These two teams have provided reams of material, and continue to give daily. As a matter of fact, the article had to go through a mini-overhaul this morning based on current events.

Patriots fans who do not have a sense of humor are living in the wrong century. Bill Belichick and the Patriots have given plenty of material over the past decade, and research has suggested that laughing at your team’s expense lowers blood pressure, therefore increases life expectancy. Trust a Ravens fan on this one who still has half of his hair. Speaking of no sense of humor, have you talked to a Seahawks’ fan? The 12th men actually believe most of their crowd noise does not come from a really good sound system. Their crowd was once measured at 112 decibels, and to get to 132 decibels, it would take 100x more energy (according to the article). Try whining and screaming at the top of your lungs for 15 seconds, as Seahawks fans are known to do, and then try it again with 100x more force. It’s impossible, but at least now you know how it feels to be a ref’s ear after a defender hits Tom Brady low.

So about the coaches. lets start with Mr. Belichick. He certainly hasn’t let a good camera lens or loophole go to waste. He’s accused of cheating more than a Seahawks player while taking a drug test. The latest scandal of the Patriots’ head coach is of course “deflate-gate”, where the Patriots sideline was accused of deflating footballs to make them easier to throw, catch, and secure, especially in cold weather.  How long has this been going on? What other forms of cheating have not been outed yet? So far the only real result of this recent accusation has been changes in our polling data, which shows Bill Belichick is now the number one reason for ball deflation, barely edging out marriage.

Talk about deflation, have you seen the USC football program? Pete Carroll strolled in, recruited top players, got caught cheating, then up and vanished like a fart in the wind. It gave him so much street cred, that the Seahawks offered him millions to bring is corrupt ways to the northwest. The stench he left behind in Southern California is still lingering. Things are much better for Pete now. He has found his own loophole in PED testing, where the Seahawks have led the league in failed tests, but those like Richard Sherman find ways to appeal, blame it on a mean FedEx employee, and continue their roid-raging on the field and in social media.

So have fun sitting on the couch rooting for one of the two best teams in the league on Super Bowl Sunday. May the best team win with honor, integrity, and respect. Actually, if that does happen, the event will not live up to expectations and will be completely deflating.

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