Once a year I will write an article that includes the AFC North, so for those of you who don’t know; this is a very serious piece of literature that has been cobbled together over months (well maybe minutes) and will no doubt give you all that you need to know about your favorite team in this upcoming season. Teams are ranked in order of “worst to first” in their division. So, without further ado, let’s get right to it.
In the whole worst to first spirit, we’ll start with the worse of the two divisions, the AFC North:
In last place, we find the Baltimore Ravens – final record 5-11. This was probably the hardest decision I had to make in this article, choosing between the Ravens and the Bengals. It really comes down to the fact that the Ravens are terrible on offense and John Harbaugh is an Ass Faced Clown. We will likely need only wait until Sunday afternoon to hear Old Harbs complaining about some rule that he doesn’t quite understand being unfair to his team of retards. Joe Flaccid is supposed to start, so at least we can rest assured that the Ravens go to offensive strategy of run (no gain), short pass (2 yard gain), deep bomb (incomplete or intercepted), punt (assuming the deep ball wasn’t picked) will be in tact. Some more good news for the Ravens is they are still getting credit for the 2001 defense and people think that they are going to be a top unit in the league. Those of us who are not idiots will remind you that Ray Lewis is a statue out front (and is currently hiding his children’s white suits instead of his own), Ed Reed coaches the Bills and Suggs is a thousand years old. A shitty franchise led by a shitty human, finally getting their just desserts.
Next to last; the Cincinnati Bengals – final record 6-10. The Bengals are led by a mannequin and a garden fountain with a fire crotch. No wonder they haven’t won a playoff game since the Bush administration – the first one. Your ownership group makes Ralph Wilson look like Floyd Mayweather in terms of spending and we all know that the only reason that the mannequin is still employed is the expenses they would incur flying in new candidates for interviews. Now the team, the defense is still a motley collection of criminals and thugs. If this team was based in Florida, every single one of them would have already been gunned down by neighborhood watchmen. The Bengals took a page out of Al Davis’ old draft playbook and over drafted a guy who’s only skill is running fast. Poor AJ Green could be the greatest WR in the history of the game, but he’s cursed to be mired in a giant chili soaked bowl of macaroni until he ultimately decides early retirement would be a better alternative. Oh yeah, the Bengals drafted a running back this year too, this woman beating piece of shit deserves to have both of his Achilles tendons sliced with a razor blade then have Suh stomp on his nuts for a minimum of 12 hours. But no worry, according to the chief apologist, he was just a kid. If karma were a real thing this whole franchise would be disbanded.
In second place, the two greatest words in the English language, give us the Cleveland Browns – final record 7-9. The Browns are not a very good footballing franchise. They’ve started something like 750 quarterbacks since their triumphant return to the Plum City, effectively kicking their fans in the plums in each successive year. The last coach to win a playoff game for the Browns? Bill Belichick. But the Browns have reason for hope this year. They have a decent young core of players, the QB position does leave something to be desired, but it’s at least better than it has been. The Browns have a lot of young talent on defense, starting with the #1 overall pick in the 2017 NFL draft, Myles Garrett who will likely be a very good NFL player. This time next year when Jimmy G is starting at QB, the Browns could be looking at a run towards the division title. The biggest problem for the Browns is the Browns, they have a history of impatience, maybe bringing in a Money Ball guy who doesn’t actually value winning (see Billy Beane’s actual record, not just the movie with Brad Pitt) might actually provide the stability that this franchise has so desperately needed for so long. And hey, there’s still a chance that the owner goes to jail, thus keeping him from consulting the local homeless population on draft advice.
And the division winner, the Pittsburgh Steelers – final record 11-5. The Steelers are a god football team, regardless of their many other faults. We all know that the QB is a rapist with overlarge tits and the coach is a cheerleader who’s excuse making rivals the girls of any 9th grade in America. But they are very good at football. Antonio Brown is good, like really, really good (I can’t wait for his deathbed confession of HGH and steroid use) and Bell (I don’t feel like spelling his first name because I never know where to put the comma and the apostrophe) is arguably the best RB the league has seen in decades. I do fear that since Taco Bell has been holding out, smoking dope and training with a PS4, there is a real chance he tweaks a hammy in week 1 and that completely f*cks the Steelers season. But barring that, the Steelers are on a steady drive towards the AFC Championship rematch with the Pats. Where Tomlin will likely answer the question “Do you think you’ll try and go away from the zone defense this year?” with “We do what we do, we’ll see if they can beat us.” And the Pats will roll up somewhere in the neighborhood of 200 points. And Antonio Brown will Facebook Live the postgame cry.
And on to the AFC East…Wow, what a terrible division.
In last place, we have the Jets – final record 3-13. The Jets suck, they suck so bad that even though it is clear to everyone that they are attempting to tank the 2017 season in an effort to get the #1 pick and curse poor Sam Darnold to a life of mediocrity in New Jersey, they will no doubt win a couple of games and finish with the 4 or 5 pick and draft another “stud” defensive lineman. I mean there’s not much to say about this terrible franchise except that they can at least say that they’ve won a Super Bowl once. So let’s see what has happened with the Jets this year…Their fat, old overpaid CB got arrested for fisticuffs on the streets of Pittsburgh, at least that gave them the excuse they needed to release him…What else, what else…? Oh yeah, they attempted to force QB of the future Christian Hackenberg into the starting role, he failed spectacularly and is now the #3 QB on the depth chart. The Jets blow, let’s move on before I get sick…
In second to last place; the Bills – final record 5-11. The poor Bills can’t get out of their own way, last year ended in a blaze of hope and optimism, Rex was fired, Whaley was fired and they had a nice core of young players who when healthy were very good. They hired some obscure guy to be the GM and a Head Coach who is, by most national reports, in way over his head. Remember when the Dolphins had that meathead as the coach who used to line up hit the guys? Yeah, that’s what we can expect from the Bills this year. In a rare deft move by the Bills’ front office, they made a great trade on draft day that helped acquire more assets that could help in the future. Then they decided that the future is where they would like to operate, jettisoning every young player that has any chance of having a good season. Poor Shady McCoy, he might die by week 4 because he’ll be the only one allowed to touch the ball. At least Pegula’s plot to destroy Tyrod’s career is coming to fruition. Oh yeah, Terry Pegula, fuck that guy. Another in a long line of scumbag humans that gained their wealth by stripping the earth of anything good and likely dropping poor Native Americans down old mine shafts because they dared fall ill from the chemicals he pumps into their water. Flint Michigan, Terry’s fault. I used to say it would be nice if the Bills just moved to Toronto so that they at least would be Canada’s problem, but now I know that isn’t enough. The entire operation needs to fall into one of those giant sinkholes that Terry’s fracking business has created. And another thing, it’s the Bill’s fault that our country is in this situation, if they had just let Trump buy that shitty team, then he would be sitting up in Buffalo in a gold plated shit box of a stadium where the internet is spotty so he can’t even Tweet.
That got me mad…
On to the second place team in the division (if this were the NBA, we’d be saying the first team in the lottery); the Miami Dolphins – final record 7-9. The Dolphins flew too close to the sun last year, it happens for them about once a decade. They get a new coach who has some fancy new schemes that the league has no tape on, make the playoffs, get smoked and then fall back to mediocrity for another ten years. This year the fall was fast. Remarkably, Ryan Tannehill, who treated his torn knee ligaments with meditation and magical herbs and spices, tore up said knee about three days into training camp. Who could have seen that coming? Enter Jay Culter, fresh off a naked escapade of booze, drugs and cigarettes in Mexico to save the day. Yup, that’s the savior, Jay, “I don’t need to be in cardiovascular shape” Cutler. Yeah, that should end well. And now even mother nature is conspiring against the Dolphins, as Hurricane Irma bears down upon South Florida and likely forcing the Fins to play their entire season without a bye (because the NFL is stupid and can’t figure out playing this game on Friday night or Saturday morning).
And the winner…Surprise, surprise, it’s the New England Patriots – final record 13-3. The Pats are good, not 16-0 good like some people had said. Many people feared the Madden Curse for Tom Brady, but as usual, his little clone Julian Edelman took the hit for him. The loss of Edelman is a big one, but not a crippling one as a loss of Brady would be. On offense the Pats should be pretty fun to watch, with all of the different weapons they have, they will be very difficult to defend. Which is good, because the defense has the depth of a kiddie pool. The secondary has the potential to be stellar, but the front seven could be downright terrible. Don’t expect much in the way of a pass rush and unless opponents run right at Allan Branch or maybe Trey Flowers, you can expect them to have a high yards per carry average. All in all, the AFC blows, so the Pats’ run to that annual Brady/ Belichick bowl for a showdown with the Steelers (and as previously stated, they will win).
Have a great season!!