What’s the meaning of life? Who is the real Cowboys starting QB? Will the Browns ever win a game? Should I start Blake Bortles? Does God really exist? For centuries people have turned to one man for the answers to life’s great mysteries. That man is Negrodamus.
Every week I, Negrodamus, will make 5 predictions for the biggest games of the week with the accuracy of an effective condom. My predictions will always be right. You can take these to the bank. Cash your check. Take out some twenties and take them to your local bookie and bet on it. Want to know the over under? The line? The points? The spread? Good. You can find it here. I know nothing about gambling. I don’t even know what most of those terms mean. But that doesn’t matter. Let the gentle hand of Negrodamus guide you to all the riches you can imagine. LET IT BEGGGGGGIIIIIIIIINNNNNN!
#1: Chiefs at Panthers: The panthers are a 3 point dog in this one (I just made that up and then googled it and turns out I was right. Then I looked it up again and it turns out I had it backwards they’re 3 point favorites). Trap game alert! Well I guess it’s not a trap game now since the Panthers are favored. But I still like the Chiefs. They’re really good at diving at quarterback’s knees, just ask Tom Brady. I foresee two touchdown catches for Kelvin Benjamin. Alex Smith will come back and throw one touchdown and let his RB (Charles, no, Ware, no, West, oh wait, Ware might be healthy??) run in two more. I like the Chiefs 21-14.
#2: Vikings At Redskins: Hey Vikings, you’ve lost three straight to Wentz, Cutler and Stafford and you’ve haven’t scored more than 16 points since week 5. It’s week 10 playboy! Now you face the mighty oh my gosh. I live in DC and just forgot his name. Um….wow. This is embarrassing. You like that. Cousins! I’m losing it. That rookie WR that the Redskins have got is going to give you fits. Maybe. Djax. Unstoppable. Sometimes. Just kidding. Your defense is legit. You can beat them. It’s the Redskins for crying out loud. If they’re not in first place of the division, they’re last. Don’t go on a four game skid. I foresee a lot of field goals for the Vikings, with at least one miss. I like the Redskins 24-13.
#3: Cowboys at Steelers: Have you ever heard of a guy named Moses? He once parted a sea. That’s what the Cowboys O-line is going to do to the Steelers defense this weekend. I foresee a touchdown catch for Dez, a rushing touchdown for Zeek and a rushing touchdown for Dak. Believe it. Doesn’t matter though, for I also foresee Big Ben throwing 5, yes 5 touchdowns. Add a dash of a missed extra point and the tears of Cowboy Nation (I’m looking at you Skip Bayless) and you’ve got yourself a prediction. I like the Steelers 38-20.
#4: Bye Week. Sorry, there just isn’t a 4th game this week. Don’t blame me, blame the bye.
#5: GAME OF THE WEEK: Seahawks at Patriots: Tom Brady is having a magical post suspension season. Maybe he’s in the conversation for league MVP. Russell Wilson looked like his old self last weekend in a controversial win over the Bills. I love Richard Sherman. It’s not dirty if they don’t call it. The league needs a little of that these days. I foresee a defensive struggle. Wait…it’s coming to me. I foresee Tommy boy slinging the rock around the field on a injury riddled Seahawks defense. However, I don’t see many passing touchdowns. Just one. Oh. Wait. There they are. Found em. Less than a week after legalizing weed in Massachusetts, the Patriots hit the Blount for two more touchdowns in a tight game. I like the Patriots 24-21.
Now go forth and be merry my beautiful, beautiful children.