Good morning dear friends and welcome back to another NFL season. It’s likely not going to be a very fun season for most of us, the terrible trio that consists of the Fins, Jets and Bills could all be picking in the top 5 next year and the Pats seem to have given up on trying to build a competitive roster. So without further ado, here’s what’s going to happen.
In last place, the Miami Dolphins.
Key Additions: Danny Amendola (FA), Robert Quinn (trade), Minkah Fitzpatrick (draft)
Key Losses: Jarvis Landry (FA), Suh (FA), Jay Cutler (retired)
Probable final record: 5-11
Let’s be honest here, the Fins suck. Yes, Tanny is returning, but he’s not very good, I mean he’s not even really as good as the stiff they had to replace him last year and they are basically devoid of talent around him. You’ll be more likely to find Danny Amendola at a photo shoot on the beach rather than in the film room and we are still waiting for that break out year from Devante Parker. But on the plus side, when Tanny gets killed behind that sieve they call an offensive line, you’ve got Brock Osweiller to come in and return to glory…Adam Gase is likely coaching for his job this year, because that’s what happens every third year in Miami, so he’s likey getting fired. Maybe the Fins can get Mark Richt to cross town? The lube dealers in the Southeast are in for a rough Q4, let’s hope Donny J doesn’t stop visiting so often, or they may have a real crisis on their hands.
In second to last place, the Buffalo Bills
Key Additions: AJ McCarron (FA), Josh Allen (draft), Star Latouleieieieieie (FA), Tremaine Edmunds (Draft)
Key Losses: Tyrod Taylor (trade), Eric Wood (retired), Cordy Glenn (trade), Shady McCoy (jail)
Probable final record: 7-9
What more can be said about this Bills than that they are just plain stupid. My god man, you finally make the playoffs for the first time this millennium and what do you do? You send the heart of your team across the lake and draft a QB that was competing against methed out farmers on Montana. It’s really a shame because they had been doing so well building a well-rounded team. The defense will be pretty good this year, but it’s hard to win a lot of games in the NFL when you are averaging somewhere in the 9 points per game range…If the cops and woman in Georgia decide to not take Mr. McCoy’s money and go forward with a case against him in the beating and robbery of his ex-girlfriend, that 9 points will likely be closer to 2. (Or maybe if his cronies weren’t idiots and waited to ‘rob’ this woman until more than like two days after he asked for the stuff, then maybe not ask for the stuff specifically and maybe you know, take some loose change so it might actually look like it could have been a random act…)
It’s cool though, Bills fans are used to it and the Pegula’s know by now that they suck at running pro sports teams. Start the clock, only 17 more years and you’ll be back Bills fans.
In third to last place, The New Brunswick Jets.
Key Additions: Sam Darnold (draft), Trumaine Johnson (FA), Teddy Bridgewater (FA), Isaiah Crowell (FA)
Key Losses: Demario Davis (FA), ASJ (FA), Matt Forte (FA), Muhammed Wilkerson (FA)
Probable final record: 8-8
The Jets had a decent offseason, as Jets offseasons go. I mean they traded up for a USC QB (again), that always works out well for them. But don’t worry, Sam Darnold was OK in limited preseason action, so he’ll obviously be a star for the next 20+ years. Teddy Bridgewater was a good signing; a waste of money because the Jets are going to start Sam, but I did think it was a good signing at the time. And if you listen to Jet fans, he’ll be worth like 5 1stround picks at some point this week. But the Jets still have Sleepy Todd at the helm, so at least there’s that…This 8-8 prediction is perilous, a couple wrong bounces of the ball and we’re talking 3-13.
And in fourth to last place, by default, your 2018 AFCE Champion, the New England Patriots.
Key Additions: Corredelle Patterson (trade), Jason McCourty (trade), Trent Brown (trade), Adrian Claiborne (FA)
Key Losses: Danny Amendola (FA), Malcolm Butler (FA), Brandon Cooks (trade), Dion Lewis (FA), Nate Soldier (FA), Julian Edelman (steroids)
Probable Final Record): 11-5
So what are the two greatest words in the English language? De Fault. And that’s how the Pats will win the AFC East this year. Normally if a team went into the season with their QB more focused on Yoga and healing the inflexible rich people of the world, their head coach openly rebelling against that QB, star receiver (actually he’s a TE) contemplating retirement while dressed for a motocross race and their only other receiver pooped for drugs and on the wrong side of 30, we’d be predicting 1-15. But lucky for the Pats, the rest of the teams in this division suck donkey balls so they get 5 free wins, then the rest of the AFC also blows, so 6 more wins are easy to come by when even while not focused on football, your QB is the best in the world (whose name does not start with consecutive vowles). The Pats will likely reach their 9thconsecutive AFCCG, but they’ll likely be on the road, so they’ll lose. Then BB will retire and maybe Brady too. One way or the other, this is the last year of glory. (If BB leaves and Brady stays, they may win the AFCE again next year, but no more trophies)