We start with the naughtiest of the naughty. The Bills are quite lucky that we aren’t using the normal ratings system, because a loss to the Raiders would earn you a week or two in the sub-basement, living off the runoff from the Jets’ moldy toilet. So back to the list, chief mischief maker on the Bills is no doubt offensive coordinator Doug Hackett, I think if he was offered up as the sacrificial virgin in a Mayan ceremony not many Bills fans would object. Next on the list is Bills QB Kyle Orton- how can a man that looks that much like a contestant on “To Catch a Predator” and not find some coal in his stocking. And third on the list is head coach Doug Marrone. We all knew that Dougie Fresh was in way over his head when he made the leap from coaching a program that is lucky if they get invited to the Miami Beach Bowl (which was played on Monday afternoon at 2pm if you’re wondering how much it matters) to the NFL. It was Doug’s decision to bench EJ in lieu of the aforementioned QB with an inappropriate fondness for inappropriate mustaches. Now everyone reading this knows my feelings on EJ, but to not play him in his second year after picking him in the first round and starting him the year prior is just a waste. Lastly, we find the Bills’ defense. Yes they have been excellent, but being losing to the Raiders is unacceptable and not even the spirit of Kiko could save them.
Next on the naughty list, we find the New York Jets. I could take the easy way out and just say the whole team is on the list because they suck at football, but let’s get as little more specific. First up we find the owner of this travesty, Woody Johnson. Woody has been referred to on this very blog as “a smart guy” but I would like to differ. Woody’s greatest achievement thus far in life is being the fastest sperm to the egg. Maybe if he didn’t fear the sun so much he’d finally see the light and realize that being on the back page of the Post is a bad thing. Next up we find the man that looks more like Santa than anyone else in the division, Rex. It’s not the losing or the foot porn that lands him on this list, it’s the outright delusion with which he lives his life. After losing to the Patriots on Sunday (something that most people expected), in what is most likely his final home game as HC of the NYJ, Rex was to found at the podium talking about how great he is at devising plans to stop Tom Brady. Hey Rex, maybe if you put any time at all into devising an offensive game plan you might actually win some of those games where you keep Brady down? What’s worse is that his delusion seems to be creeping into the minds of his team. When asked about his performance in the game, our next entry to the naughty list, Geno Smith said this, “After watching the tape, I think I played well.” Sorry Geno, delusion like that must mean that you are on drugs and therefore on the naughty list. And lastly we’ll talk about Jets’ rookie safety Calvin Pryor. It looks like he’s taking whatever Geno is high on because he called the Jets, “The best 3-12 team ever.” Don’t be proud to be the best 3 win team ever, work on winning those close games and don’t be a three win team.
And our last entrants on the naughty list come from the Miami Dolphins. Sorry Dolphin fans, like Buffalo is benefitting from this new festive ratings system, you suffer from it. I mean how can a team that was just eliminated from playoff contention with a payroll rivaling the GDP of most European nations not be considered naughty? First on the list? Joe Philbin. I’m not saying that being a senile old man is a horrible crime, but taking your afternoon nap during the second half on gameday is. I know Joe was actually Santa’s babysitter when the former was a teenager in the 1600’s but Mr. Clause won’t be lenient on a guy that has no business watching the playoffs from his recliner in the sun room. Next up we find Brent and his wife Miko Grimes. The two of them have taken being openly grimey to a whole new level, first it the birthday cake, then it’s the lewd Twitter messages. If anyone needs a trip to a central Florida swamp church for an exorcism, it’s these two. Third on the list? How about the man that needs to be brought up on extortion charges because he’s stealing from Mr. Ross- Mike Wallace? Clifford Franklin is the fourth highest paid WR in the NFL this year and if you ask anyone to list the top five, maybe even 10 WR’s in the league his name would not come up (unless of course we are polling Frenchmen in England), larceny of this level is certainly no way to land yourself on the nice list. (I will note that most of the top paid WRs in the league are in the same boat as Mr. Wallace). The last Dolphin we will mention on this list is Lauren Tannehill. Come on Lauren, you’re hot, you’re married to a serviceable NFL QB who is about to get paid big-time, all you have to do to be on the nice list is keep track of your guns.
Phew, that was tough. I hate crushing kids’ dreams of a happy Christmas, but I guess someone’s got to be the Turk… Now on to the nice list.
As you guessed, it is comprised mostly of New England Patriots. First off, we have to recognize the guy that earlier this season many of us thought would be dead by this time; Tom Brady. Mr. Bundchen has indeed survived the blocking of the University of Memphis’ marching band and has led his team to a 12-3 record thus far and has clinched home-field advantage throughout the playoffs. This leads me to the next man on the nice list, the Majestic Bryan Stork. Stork came into the Pats lineup a little late this year due to some concussion issues in the preseason, but since he’s been installed as the starting center on the Pats, they have been on a roll. Next up, Jaime Collins and Dont’a Hightower. I’m listing these two guys together because you really can’t mention one without bringing up the other. Once Mayo went down early this season many folks in Patriots Nation (mostly those who only know the names of the players) freaked out and proclaimed the season lost. Well not so fast my friend, the Pats’ young linebacking duo has matured into one of the better pairs in the league and can be counted on to make a play when you need a play to be made (which we can’t say about a few of the other so called stars on the Pats’ D). And we save the final two spots on this list for the two Patriots that are more responsible for the Pats’ 2014 success than anyone else; Rob Gonkowski and Darrell Revis. It all started over the summer when Mr. Revis was brought in from the Bucs in a move that most pats fans didn’t think Belichick was capable of stomaching. Revis took his old number, previously worn by fellow Aliquippa, PA native and future Hall of Famer (should be at least) Ty Law, (side note, Ty Law is also this blogger favorite Patriot of all time by a wide margin) and reinstalled some of that swagger that Ty brought to the Pats’ secondary. Then Mr. Gronkowski returned to full strength and we all reminded of what that means for the league- total domination. Whether Gronk is throwing guys out da club, or just making opposing defenses look like Pop Warner players, Gronk is the man and as long as he stays in one piece the Pats have a shot to win it all.
Last but not least, I’d like to recognize a few other entrants to the nice list, those of you that make this site possible so we all have a place to escape reality for a while. So, thanks to all of you including (in no particular order) Surge, Thumbs, The Old Fisherman, CJ, Iyce, Bob, Bobby, Knuckles, Mr. Ross, Steve (and your hot sauce), Hooded, Nik, Dan C, Archer, Nole, Chris C, Rav, Brick, Brad, Dangle, Cloud, the rest of the future Orton’s from the North side and anyone else who I am forgetting at the current moment. This site is a fun place and has great potential, let’s keep things awesome.
TL;DR from the Editor – Bills suck, Jets suck, Dolphins suck, PATRIOTS 4 LYFE!