Slick Weekly – NFL Week 17

Slick Weekly – NFL Week 17
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Slick Weekly

The season is over so there’s not much to overreact to. It ended pretty much just how most people thought it would, with the Pats winning the division (and home-field throughout) and everyone else in the division trying to figure out who’s going to coach their team, play QB for their team, or where their coach wandered off to and if he’s walked out into traffic. So I figure this week we’ll look ahead, and as always, we’ll start at the bottom.
The Jets did a very Jetsy thing on Sunday and sent Rex Ryan out with a win. The win showed that the team really does love Rex and they will play hard for him, even if he has no idea what an offense is. With the win, the Jets moved from the 4th overall pick in the upcoming draft, down to the 6th and pretty much locked themselves out of getting one of the three best offensive players that will be available. So where does Woody and his brain trust ripped right out of 1983 turn? Some folks have speculated that they’d go after Josh McD. While many Pats fans would rejoice at this news (I would probably start a religion and make the day it happened our version of Christmas, Hanukah and Kwanza all rolled up into one), I just don’t see it happening. Josh’s would never go against his masters’ will. Long story short, the Jets are sure to make the wrong choice with both their new GM and their new Head Coach. It’s just a mystery who those people could be right now.
Next we find the stinking corpse of Mike Wallace’s bloated ass complete with greasy French fry fingers. (And the rest of the Dolphins) The Fins sure did under achieve this year, after beating the patriots in week 1 and making it look as though they could actually be a real challenge to the Pats in the division, the Fins did what the Fins do and choked once they lost the home-field advantage of playing on a surface that is as hot as the sun. Owner Stephen Ross decided last week (once he learned that he had zero shot at Harbaugh) that Joe Philbin’s reanimated corpse would indeed grace his sideline in 2015. I guess it’s not a terrible move because really who else is available and why fire a guy if his replacement is basically the same guy, but prolonging the inevitable is only going to set the franchise back another year. Let’s get back to Mike Wallace for a minute; if I’m not mistaken, there was a certain person around these blogs that said Mike Wallace would be a fat, lazy, malcontent if he got a $60MM contract in Miami. At least he’s not fat…Lastly, Ryan Tannehill has grown by leaps and bounds this season and the monument will be open again all offseason with two new waterslides (thanks Steve) and a new “Kidz Zone” where Lauren will teach your children how to properly keep track of all of their high powered weapons. Tickets start at just $500, a great Valentine’s gift for the wife! (Note- ticket prices needed to be raised this season to account for the NFL’s new “No fan leaves without feeling like a victim of domestic abuse” policy).
Next up we find the Bills. What a season of triumph and heartbreak for the Bills. Had they only been able to squeak past the mighty Raiders…The Bills are currently celebrating their best record in over a decade (any Bills fan that likes to make fun of the Jets should let that sink in for a while) and the hope and optimism pouring out of Lake Erie is warm enough to melt away a 25ft snow bank. The Bills seem to have their coach (they need an OC though), they drafted Sammy Watkins twice in the first round and they have one of (if not the) best defensive fronts in all of football. Oh yeah, Kiko is due back as well. Really all that the Bills need is a QB that is capable of walking and chewing gum at the same time (and not offering said stick of gum to every minor that passes by). The draft is basically barren of QB;’s outside of the top 2 guys that will be long gone by the time the Bills pick, so it looks like it’s time for Terry to send Kim off to the free agent market and see if she can’t find something cute for the ball. Here are your choices: Jay Cutler, Mark Sanchez, Bob Griffin, Sam Bradford or Bryan Hoyer; OK, maybe 2016 will be their year…
And finally we present the New England Patriots. The Pats sucked in their week 17 matchup vs the Bills, but seeing as the game didn’t matter we won’t let the Bills feel too good about themselves. The Pats are once again division champions, this is Brady and Belichick’s 12th division crown out of 13 chances a feat that has been accomplished by exactly zero other duos, but of course neither is really all that good and we Pats fans will get a dose of reality once one or both of them leave. While this could be true, what the people who preach this philosophy are forgetting is that the Pats will still only have the Jets, Bills and Fins to contend with, so I will bet an avatar that they win a division title faster after Brady than the Bills or Fins did after their franchise QBs retired. But back to the Pats, they are clearly the best team in the AFC right now and are legitimate favorite to reach the Super Bowl. Now Earlier this year I said that the Brady/ Belichick combo will never win another Super Bowl as a tandem due to the latter’s stubbornness and reluctance to put competent players on the field. After watching the Pats offensive line look completely horrendous with only the subtraction of Dan Connolly, I am forced to concede that this year’s Super Bowl Champion will most likely be from the NFC (unless the Cowboys find a way to make it). Teams that build their roster focused on depth that have zero depth are destined to fail.
That’s it! Everyone have a safe and happy New Year and do your best not to succumb to any voodoo curses between now and next week.


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