It’s here. Covid-19 be damned the 2020 NFL season is upon us. An entire offseason of anticipation, will they, won’t they and opt outs is finally over. Just to prove how weird 2020 is, the Bills come into the season as AFC East favorites and the Pats are a complete question mark, so without further ado, let’s get right to a week of divisional matchups.
2020 is a weird year, but some things never change. The Jets are in last place. The Jets are a perfect example of what happens in the NFL when you collect a bunch of talented players and put them under the control of a complete moron. STD sows flashes of what he could have been, but the QB Whisperer has completely ruined him as a player. He makes terrible decisions, misses open receivers and just looks like a scared wreck out there. Don’t get my previous statement about talented players twisted, the Jets’ receivers are more or less on the level of a D2 team, but they have some other weapons and their defense shouldn’t be as terrible as it is. But here we are. With the Jags shocking the world and winning on Sunday, the Jets are in the driver’s seat for the #1 pick.
In second to last place, the only other loser of the week, the Miami Dolphins. The Fins played admirably against the Pats on Sunday, but the football gods were upset that Flores robbed fans of seeing Tua’s new hip make it’s NFL debut, so Fitz did Fitz things and ensured a Dolphin loss. Prior to the game, there was much talk among Dolphin fans about how the Fins stole all those guys from the Pats, so they were sure to know the weaknesses of Bill’s offense. Unfortunately, they forgot that most of those guys were trash without Bill and Bills knows their weaknesses far better than they know his. So the likes of Kyle Van Noy, et al were essentially non-existent all day. DVP did show some signs of life at times, but it looks as if he may be dinged up already, so yeah, that’s kind of normal. The Fins get the Bills this week, give us Tua!!!!
Now, on to the winners.
Second place this week, goes to the Pats. I’d like to piss off Bills fans this week and say that the Pats beat a better opponent in the Fins, so they should be #1, but to be honest, the Pats weren’t incredibly impressive. Cam Newton was awesome, compared to what I expected of him. But outside of that, the win for the Pats was just due to playing an inferior opponent at home on week 1. They look like they should beat the bad teams on the schedule, but unfortunately there are a lot of good team on that schedule, so they are going to have to find someone besides Cam that can move the ball on offense. As for the defense, they were fine. They caught the passes Fitz threw them and generally stymied the Fins’ running game, but once again, I’d like to see it against a competent team.
And now for the winners. Their fans have been shaking their asses in our faces all summer because they are finally the tallest midget in the division. They did not disappoint, the Bills came into week one and beat the juggernaut Jets by less than two touchdowns. The Bills defense was as advertised, holding the Jets in check until garbage time and capitalized on the general stupidity of Adam Gase’s play calling and STD’s incompetence. The offense had a fresh new look with former Vikings WR Stefon Diggs leading the charge. And for the most part it was successful, Josh Allen threw for more yards than he ever has in his career, albeit about two yards at a time. He of course did some monumentally stupid things like essentially throwing the ball to the defense in an ill-fated attempt to try and extend a run. But hey, stupid is as stupid does so Bills fans can stay deluded into believing that Allen has a chance to win in the playoffs.
Good luck everyone. Looks like it’ll be a fun season.
Editor’s Note: The Bills were so good that even Vinny’s extreme haterism couldn’t put them down. Championship.