Well, some of the NFL has hit the halfway point of their season, and avert your eyes, the AFCE offenses were on full display this weekend. Boy do our teams stink. At least we squeaked out two wins, right?
Let’s get after it.
Last place the Jets. After a one week hiatus, the Jets are comfy and cozy again in the basement. The Jets faced the Chiefs this week, so everyone knew what would happen. The Chiefs rolled all over the hapless Jets, but it was a little closer than some thought. I mean the Jets nearly covered the 21+ pt spread. Obviously the Chiefs shredded the Jets’ defense, but what we’re focusing on this week is the offenses. Sam Darnold was back under center with Gase whispering sweet nothings in his ear. The results were predictable, Sam struggled to see the field and struggled to complete just over 50% of his passes for a paltry 133 yards. On the plus side, he didn’t throw a pick six this week…Adam Gase seemed to be in the Halloween spirit, rolling the Zombie Corpse of Frank Gore out for a team leading 10 carries and 30 yards. Boy, it’s gonna be hard for anyone to out-suck the Jets in the Trevor sweepstakes. Maybe Sam will have better fortunes with a competent head coach?
And if it weren’t for the Jets, the second to last place Pats would certainly live in last…Boy oh boy does this team suck? On the plus side, the Pats scored a TD for the fist time in 12 quarters…But that was about it for this bag of crap painted red, white and blue that Bill Belichick has assembled and is trying to pass of as an NFL footballing team. Cam Newton is truly a terrible quarterback, I mean as a Pats fan, you watch him drop back to pass and just assume that he’s going to get himself sacked. If he somehow manages to decipher the defense and does get the throw off, there’s like a 50% chance that the ball will be somewhere around the ankles of the receiver, a 25% chance that it will land 10 yards away, 20% chance it will be 2 to 3 yards over the head of the receiver and a 5% chance the receiver can twist his body enough to get hands on the ball and maybe catch it. To the game…The Pats offense was dreadful again (outside of Damien Harris, who might not actually suck) as was the defense. I wanted to spend most of my time on the offense, but I just heard this stat and it needs to be included…The Pats defense is actually not terrible on 3rd down, ranking 11th in the league, so you’d think they would be able to get off the field occasionally. But then you factor in the fac that they rank 31st in both 1st and 2nd down defense, so teams never even have to face a 3rd down as they march down the field for easy scores. It’s just gross. But hey, the trade deadline passed by and Bill Belichick once again mismanaged his assets, by not unloading guys that people want, but instead trading away assets for a nothing player that barely made the Dolphins’ roster (but to be fair, might be the #1 WR on this shitty team). Bill needs to get someone to help with roster building, because it doesn’t matter how good a coach you are if you have literally zero talent on your team.
Well, on to the winners…
Second place goes to the Bills. Although they tried their best to lose their contest with the Pats, the Bills were just a tiny bit more competent than their opponents. The turnover waiting to happen, otherwise known as Josh Allen stumbled his way through the game, his own incompetence only matched by that of the Pats’ defense. This game was a throw back to the days when the forward pass was first being adapted, lucky for the Bills the Pats can’t defend the run either, so this worked out just fine. The Bills tried their best to give the game away in the second half, but they were thwarted and are forced to sit atop the AFCE standings for at least a couple of weeks. If the Bills were playing a team from nearly any other division in the league, they probably would have lost by double digits. But here we are.
And the winners of the week are once again the Miami Dolphins. Similar to the other teams in our wretched division, the Fins’ offense was difficult to watch. There are even some reports out of South Florida of people turning to stone after resting their eyes upon the horror that was unfolding under young Tua’s leadership. The Fins won the game on the backs of their surprisingly stout defense, who completely shut down the electric Rams offense in the first half. But Tua’s ineptness as a QB was tough to overcome. The offense repeatedly stalled out, giving the Rams chance after chance and nearly enough to overcome the deficit of the first half. All this shittiness has fans and media members alike wondering if the Fins might dare pull a Cardinals and use the likely top 5 pick they are set to receive from the Texans on Trevor Lawrence or another of the top QBs in the upcoming draft…Setting a once sure shot prospect on the path of Josh Rosen. Well, only time will tell.