Searching for Something to Overreact to
These have been some slow days as we all not so patiently await the start of training camps around the league. There have been a few developments over the past week or so that warrant me putting out an updated look into the crystal ball to let you all know how this season’s final standings will probably look. No final records yet; those will wait until after final cuts are done, but here’s a bottom-to-top breakdown of where each team will finish and why.
In last place (for what feels like the 30th year in a row), I give you the Buffalo Bills. I’m sorry, Bills fans, but definitely next year. How can a team bounce back after having their heart torn out the way the Bills did when everyone’s favorite super hero Kiko Alonso was lost for the season with a destroyed knee? All of Kiko’s leadership and magic are now lost and the poor Bills Mafia is left searching for answers. If you ask me, I think they need not look beyond their own state’s borders (well, technically to New Jersey, but for some reason NY still claims the Jets as their own). I wouldn’t be surprised if Rex and Company hired a mad scientist to create some of sort of miniaturized nano robot that sneaks into an opponent’s blood stream and eats their tendons. (no doubt this was first developed to take out Brady, but it turns out that a demigod’s tendons don’t taste very good) It was a coy plot by Rex, in a year when many “experts” have the Jets pegged to finish at the bottom of the division, he just laid down a mattress for everyone to fall on.
So you’d think after all of that I’d have the Jets next? WRONG! MORON! You must not know how little faith I have in Plastic Joe and Dawn the Destroyer. The Dolphins proved over the last couple of weeks that no matter how many people you sign, when Voldemort puts a curse on your QB position, your QB is screwed. Poor Ryan the Great lost his starting center to injury and his 1st round rookie protector looks a little lost against NFL competition. Good thing they traded up to get that stud with the #3 overall pick last year. Whoops; looks like even if your fan base (part of it at least) is horribly repulsed by cheating, your players are not above it. The Fins had a bit of a resurgence last season, although the way the offseason has gone so far makes me think they are in for a bit of decline this year.
Which brings us to everybody’s favorite “little brother franchise,” the New York Jets. Rex-N-Effect looks poised to surprise a few people this year and shake it all the way to what could quite possibly be an above .500 record. The Jets have been unusually quiet this offseason, which does have me a feeling a little uneasy, but all this silence could just be that Geno is locked up in Gruden’s basement wearing a gimp suit and learning how to actually play the position of QB in the NFL. Obviously, the Jets’ front seven is stout, but those of you holding your breath for a breakout year from Quinton Coples may just turn blue in the face before you get your wish.
Since the Jets look like they’re going to be finishing second this year, it looks like the Pats will have the division all but wrapped up by Halloween. This is fortunate, because we all know how much of a fan Coach Bill is of candy and costumes. The Pats can use the 16 games of the regular season to tune up their offense, practice playing 10 on 10 defense (Revis) and making sure that Dr.’s Frankenstein and Kevorkian have Gronk all taped together for the playoffs. If the team can stay healthy (as in not lose their top four or five guys again), the defense should be in the top 5 or so in the league, which should be more than enough to drag a declining Brady to one of the top two records in the AFC (if not the league).
There you have it. Recent events have changed the landscape of our little division quite a bit in the last couple of weeks. Stay tuned; more change is sure to come.