Slick’s Random Offseason Overreactions

Slick’s Random Offseason Overreactions
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Well, we’re in the dark season; where not much goes on and we have to make our own news. Although, as members of the media, we’ve been marked as enemies of the state. So today I will do my best to stay away from Fake News and report only facts. It’s been a turbulent couple of weeks since I last wrote.
Here’s what’s been going on in the race for the offseason championship:
In last place, we find the New England Patriots. Not only were they able to retain their horribly overrated Defensive Coordinator, but they also lost ace offensive assistant Brian Daboll. The rumor mill has been swirling that the Pats will let star linebacker Dante Hightower walk and they may even force young Malcolm Butler to play under an RFA contract. Then there’s James Garroppolo. The Galloping Chicken may stay in New England, or he may be traded. We don’t yet know. But, if the Pats are capable of fleecing some under educated franchise out of their high first round pick (I’m starting to doubt this), then the Pats could vault from worst to first come draft time (assuming they get good depth players with the 14 4ths and 5ths that they are able to spin that high 1st into…).
In second to last place, we find the Bills. The Bills did a great thing by firing Rex, but the timing of that move does not make it eligible for the offseason title race. Other than that, they’ve mostly sat on their hands (not that you could blame them, it’s cold up there). Like the Pats, the Bills have a QB decision to make that could vault them right up towards the top of our little rankings.
In second place in the offseason chase, the Miami Dolphins. The Fins are gearing up to run away with the title this year, they only sit in second because positioning doesn’t count. The trade for Julius Thomas is a good start though. This guy could be a game changer for the Fins; it’s about time they got themselves a big bodied TE, that can’t catch. Tanny must be salivating. The re-signing of senior citizen Cameron Wake for seventeen head of cattle and a golden elephant is also a good move. And the complete blundering of Brandon Albert’s release would normally be enough to sit a team right in first place, but…
The New York Jets exist. And what a disaster this franchise is. The elephant in the room is of course Darelle Revis and the case that the Pittsburgh police department has against him. If you haven’t heard, Mr. Revis was captured on the streets of the Steel city at 2:30 AM after he was recorded wearing a topi, knocking out a pair of college students, then waving an AK-47 in the air yelling, “Allah Akbar,” at the top of his lungs and threatening to detonate the suicide vest that he was wearing. Early reports are that he’s awaiting transfer to Guantanamo Bay where our new president will personally interrogate him about his ties to Hezbollah and that flying blue genie that hangs around with Aladdin. Once Revis gets imprisoned, it will take a lot for any of our other teams to surpass the mighty, mighty Jets.

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