Slick’s Valentine’s Day Overreactions

Slick’s Valentine’s Day Overreactions
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Ahh, love is in the air.  All of our teams suck and are in some state of disarray…So why not do a draft preview overreaction?
First up in the draft order (because they suck the most) are the Jets, with the #6 pick.  As we all know, the Jets have a number of shitty quarterbacks on their roster and Tiny Baker Mayfield seems like such a perfect Jets, but they are likely to offer Kirk Cousins a Trump Tower filled with No More Tears Shampoo the day free agency opens.  So the Jets will do what the Jets do in the draft, draft a defender.  I would say that Derwin James is the pick, but I like him and don’t want to see his career end before it begins, so I’m going to say that through a series of other teams trading up for QBs and the Jets possibly being dumb and trading up a bit, they get Bradley Chubb.  Why you ask?  Because they are the Jets and only care about getting pressure on Tom Brady.  Chubb will have a good rookie year, prompting Jet fans to call him the next great thing, then he will grow into his name and eat himself out of the league in four years.
Next on the list is the Fins sitting at #11.  The Dolphins should focus on their offensive line to protect the assets they have, but the Fins’ front office is a bunch of QB junkies and they can’t get past their NEED for a QB.  You remember me saying above that there would be other dumb teams trading up to get at the QBs in this draft?  Well that just seem dike such a Dolphin thing to do, so I’m going to say they trade #11 and Tanny to Cleveland for the #4 pick and take the aforementioned Baker Mayfield.  Having a thickheaded, rookie QB forced on him, Gase flames out in year three.  And the rebuild begins!!!  But at least there will be a new QB to compare to Matt Moore.
The third suckiest team in the division happens to be the only one with two first round picks.  Unfortunately, the Bills’ picks are as middling as they are; #’s 21 and 22.  It’ clear the Bills are giving up on Tyrod Taylor and that #22 pick they now own, they traded what could have been their QB of the future for.  So, after losing out on the Cousins sweepstakes (I’m not sure they’ll even be allowed to buy a ticket) the Bills will look to grab Lamar Jackson at 22.  Now with their first pick, the smart money would be on an offensive lineman to replace Eric Wood’s weird, blonde afro.  But smart is not usually what the Bills do, so I’m going to say that they take Rashaan Evans of Alabama.  The Bills will look electric at some times next year and incompetent at others (so basically a normal year), but they play in the AFC East and have four gimmie wins, so they will “challenge” for the division and could even start a new streak of consecutive years going to the playoffs (2).
And the next suckiest team on the list is the Pats at #31.  The Pats are in disarray, and people say that predicting their drafts is a crap shoot.  I disagree.  Predicting the Pats’ #31 pick is easy, it will go one of two ways.  Bill will trade the pick away for something far less valuable (maybe a 2nd and 7th, or is there an undersized and overrated player on the trade block?), or he will take this D Lineman from Florida who is listed as “inconsistent” in every profile I’ve seen.  He’ll appear in a couple of games late in the year, make two plays, the Pats media cartel will declare the pick a huge success, and we’ll never hear from him again (unless of course he commits some crime, he is a Gator after all).

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