As I watched the NFL network last night while cooking dinner (Teriyaki Chicken with Jasmine rice), the news of the Dolphins and Jeff Ireland “mutually parting ways” became the lead story of the evening (Hey, the Dolphins were finally more than an afterthought!) it became apparent that this first week of the offseason has provided us plenty to overreact to. So without further ado, I present the first semi, bi-weekly, annual special bonus offseason overreactions.
We will start with the lead story of the week- the Miami Dolphins are having a yard sale and all that they’ve got left is a cardboard skeleton hanging on the front door (wait, upon further review, that is in fact Joe Philbin). After Ryan Tannehill figured out that he’s been attached at the hip to a moron for the last half decade he decided he’s had all he can stand and he can’t stand no more. This resulted in the most overdue firing since Jim Schwartz, Mike Sherman was finally put out to pasture. Then things got interesting. After days of meetings, helicopter rides and I’m sure much hand wringing, reclusive billionaire Stephen Ross decided that he could save some money and instead of firing Ole’ Jeffe, he would bring in someone to be his boss- maybe titles Supreme General Manager or something like that. This brilliant scheme resulted in Ole’ Jeffe “deciding” that he can’t work like this and quit- thus saving Ireland a good portion of his 2014 salary and allowing for even more helicopter rides. Many are up in arms about this move, saying that Jeff was a brilliant strategist and his drafts were second to none. I disagree. There are sunny days ahead in South Florida. Mike Wallace will still get fat, but now that Ryan the Great has finally dropped the anchor that’s been holding him back all these years he might just turn out to be the deep threat WR that the Fins so covet.
Next we have the Jets and owner Woody Johnson’s brilliant strategy to retain Sexy Rexy for one more year. There really is nothing that says, “I believe in you,” like extending your head coach’s contract for one year. Rex did his best to screw his boss John Idzik, by winning his final two games and ensuring that the only available guy worth drafting will be another defensive lineman and cementing the Jets’ new run of mediocrity. Once again Woody Johnson proves that the best thing he’s done with his life is escaping his mother’s birth canal and living long enough to inherit his Dad’s money.
Now the Bills. Things have been pretty quiet on the shores of Niagara Falls since the Bills wrapped up their 2013 season in the rain in Foxboro. Now, many may say that this is cause for concern- once again, I disagree. This silence could signify that Ralphie has finally succumbed to the passage of time (I mean he was there for it’s invention after all) and the folks at 1 Bills Place may finally wrest his coin purse from his cold, dead hands (once rigor mortis wears off that is…). If my suspicions are true the long suffering Bills Mafia may finally get out of their barrels (the ones floating towards the edge of the Falls) and rejoice as the Bills are sure to make a playoff run soon. You know, once they get a coach that can be more than average in the Big East.
The New England Patriots are not included this week because they have not yet made it to the offseason.
(Editor’s note- I know Mr. Ross is not technically a recluse, but the mental image is so much better if we think of him as such)