Holy frijoles! What an upside down week we had in the AFC East. It was a full slate that ran from Thursday through Monday and included some unexpected results. We learned a lot about each of our favorite teams and most of what we learned was not good. Here’s my one word descriptions of each team: stink, stank, stunk and surprise!
So here we go, going from worst to first as always:
This week’s sh*tspoon award goes to none other than the New England Patriots. What a mess! I’m starting to think even if Gordy does let little Robby out to play it may not be enough. Tom Brady was eviscerated on his first drop back of the day and things didn’t get much better for the offense all day. The “Thumbs Committee” was out in full force on Sunday with just about everyone on the team getting in on the action. Would it kill these guys to actually use their hands to catch a football? Josh McDaniels appears to have been more interested in trying to ensure that the Time Lord made the team than making sure his receivers know the fundamentals of catching a football. On the plus side, the defense appears to be among the elite in the NFL, so when they change the rules and you can win a game 0-0 the Pats will be back in business. Oh yeah, Josh you have the best QB sneaker in the history of the NFL with a first down on the one inch line (Wes would have scored…)- JUST FREAKING LET HIM SNEAK IT IN!!!! I DON’T CARE IF HE TRIES FOUR TIMES, JUST RUN A FREAKING QB SNEAK YOU IDIOT!!!!!! In other news: Wes Welker scored his 7th TD of the season, Danny Amendola has 7 TDs in his career, great call on that one.
Now on to the Bills. They lost to the Browns, but that’s not so bad because the Bengals lost to the Browns and beat the Patriots. What is bad is that for the foreseeable future the QB of you Buffalo Bills will be Thad Lewis. If that isn’t the name of a snobby British guy hanging around the halls at Oxford, I don’t know what is. Maybe EJ should take sliding lessons while he’s spending time at AtheltiCare of Orchard Park for the next 6-8 weeks. On a positive note, the Bills defense only let Brandon Weeden beat them, I mean he was a first round pick, that’s not like letting some 6th rounder smoke you time and time again… Unfortunately it looks like a long road ahead for the Bills, how does it feel to know that you will probably finish behind the Jets this year?
Well the Fins’ losing streak is now at two and lucky for them they’re on their bye this week because they sure looked like a team that needs some time off. Ryan the Great, who started the season with so much poise and promise is just two interceptions short of dusting off the old “One more int” nickname and having his golden statue melted down to buy scarp parts so that the Fins can try and build an offensive lineman that can block, because Ireland sure as hell hasn’t been able to figure out getting one through traditional means. Your positive this week was at least the idiot dressed up in the Dolphin costume got to celebrate his heart out as Sturgis’ game winning field goal sailed farther left than the Anarchists’ Party (and as Archer says, never trust a Gator).
Drum roll please.
Now we have what may be the biggest shocker the AFC East has seen since Rex’s foot fetish videos. Your Geno Smith led New York Jets were the top performer of the weekend. And what’s more, they actually look like they are improving and could challenge for a wild card spot (and dare I say the division?). Geno was masterful last night in his decimation of the Atlanta secondary (see all it took was telling Santonio to go home), the defense was beastly and they even contained Julio Jones enough to screw me in fantasy. The Jet’s D-line may be the most underrated unit in all of the NFL (how’s that for hyperbole?)
Everything I’ve written is true so deal with it. If you don’t like my style, that’s OK because I don’t like you.
Also, if the Red Sox reach the ALCS that will make 17 times since the year 2000 that a Boston based team has at least made it to their respective conference championship. Suck on that every other sports city in America.