Hi everybody! I hope you are all as excited about the 2019 NFL season as I am. There were a fair number of surprises across the NFL during kickoff weekend, none of them in our little corner of the league…We have three games to talk about this week, one of them an interdivisional matchup. So let’s get right to our rankings.
In last place, The Miami Dolphins. Well, we all knew that the Fins were not really taking this season all that seriously. And boy were our assumptions confirmed when the Dolphins went out and got absolutely rolled by the Ravens and their throwback offense. And holy crap, I just opened the box score to find out that not only did the Fins allow the glorified running back Lamar Jackson to average 19 yards per completion and have nearly 30% of those completions go for touchdowns, but the corpse of RGIII also completed 100% of the passes he threw (16% of which went for a TD)…My god that’s awful. Brian Flores was fighting an uphill battle with the “roster” he was given by Greir and Co., and something tells me he may be over his head. As for the Chosen One…Yeah, he got in the game, and promptly threw a pick. Not good not good at all.
In second to last, the Jets. Just a week ago, I wrote that the Jets ad the Bills are nearly identical teams, but the Jets are just a little more Jetsy…And that’s pretty much exactly what happened when the two teams met in week 1. The Jets were gifted a 16 point lead, due to some supreme incompetence by Buffalo’s wide receivers and Josh Allen slippery fingers. Then the Jets went and did Jets things…They missed an extra point and a field goal, then allowed the lead to slip away, along with their dignity. I’ve heard Jet fans say things like, “We only lost because Mosley and Quinnan got hurt.” Yeah, well what did you expect Jet fans? Good fortune? Come on, no one is that foolish. You guys are lucky that lightning didn’t strike Le’Veon down right then and there. Oh well, I guess god wants to draw it out this time around. Oh yeah, we were also reminded of how shitty a coach Gase is. Good luck with that fellas.
On to the winners.
In second place, the Bills. I did think about putting the Bills in first place, since they are technically in first place in the division for now, but come on, is beating the Jets really an accomplishment? Yeah, I don’t think so either. That said, the Bills did pull off a miraculous comeback despite Josh Allen fumbling and bumbling his way to four turnovers. He did end up with a fairly decent stat line, for a game played in 1994, but as a local Bills fan told me, “Baby Steps.” The running game looks fairly legit, so maybe, just maybe they can ride an elite defense to playoff contention, I mean they probably won’t make it, but they can bet the 2019 version of the 2018 Browns. All in all, not a bad start to the season, they even get a couple of more soft games before getting dick slapped by the Pats come week 4.
And speaking of the Pats…They made a lot of waves signing World Class A-Hole Antonio Brown on Saturday evening. This news sent the Twitter world all a twitter with conspiracy theories about Bill Belichick sitting secretly in the shadows, manipulating everyone through the force. It’s also being rumored that he intends to kill all the Jedi and take over the Galactic Republic. But the Patriots also revealed their latest Super Bowl banner (although much of the viewing audience missed it due to technical difficulties) and played a game against that other franchise that won a few titles like 50 years ago…The game went very well for the Pats. Even though Kyle Van Noy was a healthy scratch to be with his wife while she gave birth to their child (I assumed he was arrested or something the night before when I heard the surprise news during the pregame show), the Pats defense was able to completely stifle the Steeler offense to the tune of 3 points…As for the offense, they we spectacular. I mean Sony Michel both sucked and blew, and Tom Brady was a little erratic in the first quarter, they made it look kind of easy. Julian Edelman had nearly as many passing yards as Ben in the first half and Sober Josh Gordon might be the perfect combination of Rob Gronkowski and Jerry Rice. A freaking giant that can run all the routes and who can run over or through any silly defender who gets in his way. He even destroyed TJ Watt on a block that may have ended you TJ’s career. Or life. Even Phillip Dorsett looked like he was back running through ACC defenses…19-0 might be a real possibility, if the Pats can get past the Dolphins next week.