AVERT YOUR EYES!!! The three teams from the AFC East not named the Patriots were on full display this weekend; and an international incident was very narrowly averted. So, without further ado, here we go…
Guess who occupies the basement? Could it be the team that just axed their newly extended head coach? But of course, the Miami Dolphins suck crustacean eggs. I mean my god, I thought about writing “woof” here, but that’s an insult to anything that’s ever woofed. This team is so fun to watch fail, maybe it’s because the vocal minority of their fanbase seems to have suffered severe head trauma, or at the very least grew up eating a healthy diet of lead paint (the majority are rational people whom I enjoy conversing with), but there is just something extra sweet about watching Suh jiggle like a bowl full of Jello as an average offensive lineman pushes him aside with one hand. This team and their fanbase entered the year with such high hopes, there was much talk of them being 6-0 with a three game division lead when they finally get to show the Pats who’s boss…Ahh such good times…Well, the team has turned out very much like those of us who predicted Suh would turn into an incredibly large and overpaid tub of goo (very much like the last sure fire free agent the Fins brought in) though it would. The Fins suck and Suh has had exactly zero impact on the defense. Well, at least now they have a guy that has six years’ experience as a TE coach to lead the team. That should work out great.
Next up we have the bully of the division. The Bills did what bad teams with a ton of talent do; they lost to a better opponent. But at least the Bills can try and blame the officials…17 penalties? I mean come on, I know that every one of them happened, but can’t these guys cut the boy from Buffalo a little slack? I know Rex has contacted the league office about it, so I’m sure this week, the officials will look the other way. And Ritchie, keep up those chop blocks buddy. They can’t call ‘em all.
To the game…I was actually all set to write a nice piece about the Bills and how they never seem to give up once they pulled within one score in the 4th quarter, then the next play happened and I just laughed out loud. I’ve seen Bills’ fans say, “We lost because of one missed tackle.” Well that’s not entirely true, you see there were at least four missed tackles on that play and even so, you were still down by a touchdown. Come to think of it, maybe that’s what Rex asked for; the Bills get to play for an additional 5 minutes after the game ends so maybe they can even the score. Definitely next year, right Bills fans?
And now we move on to the “winner” of the week, the New York Jets. A wise man once told me that it’s impossible to fuck up a free lunch, but man the Jets sure did try their best…The Jets jumped out to a quick lead, then Ryan Fitzpatrick’s noodle arm helped the Fins back into the game. Brandon Marshall is still good and as long as three out of every four passes attempted go his way, then “Bad Brandon” might just stay locked up for a little while. It is nice though to see what appears to be a reasonably competent head coach on the sideline of another team in the division. Todd Bowles has a long road to hoe in purging the “Rex Effect” from the team, but he seems to be doing a decent job of it thus far. Just so long as the Jets don’t get smoked by 40 at one point, then they might just be good enough to get a draft pick that will make little to no impact on the team (like pick 16 or something).
So yeah, there’s the three teams that played this weekend, I’d like to write more, but my eyes still hurt from watching them play…
And now for your update on the team that didn’t play. Normally not playing earns you the bottom spot on this list, but when you are as superior to your opponents as the New England Patriots are right now, I can’t see a way to not award them the top spot. The pats faced what might be their most difficult opponent remaining on their schedule last week, and they seem to have come out unscathed. The only player associated with the Pats to enter a courtroom recently was our old friend Aaron Hernandez, who was back in a courtroom this week in a feeble effort to have the double homicide charges against him dropped. (They were not).