What a week. One team continued it’s suck-bag season, one team fielded a JV squad, one team beat a truly up and coming QB and the other is preparing for a parade. Let’s get right after it…
Guess who’s in last place? You bet! It’s the Miami Dolphins. The Fins had the chance to complete the division sweep of the Colts this week and they really had a chance to do it, you know if they didn’t suck out loud. The Fins opened up the scoring on Sunday by giving up a league leading 4th (or is it 5th?) safety of the season. Yes you read that right, the Fins are so bad on the offensive line that they allowed the Indianapolis Colts’ defense to score points on them, then the game settled into your typical pillow fight between bad NFL teams. Lamar Miller scored a touchdown, and that was about it for the Miami offense right up until the final drive of the game where the Fins decided to lose in the most Miami Dolphins way possible. With the ball on the Indy 5 yard line, a fresh set of downs and a half a minute on the clock (and I believe two timeouts) the Fins looked poised to hurt their draft position for next year. First down, incomplete pass. Second down, incomplete pass. Third down, incomplete pass. Then comes fourth down…Tannehill sat in the shotgun, surveying the defense when (like has happened so many times this year) the center snapped the ball when he felt ready as opposed to when the rest of the team expected him to snap the ball. This time, Tanny actually caught the ball, but the offensive line was still in their stances so the Colts’ line rushed through to ravage Tanny and ensure yet another loss in Miami (ironically, the guy who was supposed to be blocked by the only person who knew that ball had been snapped was the first one to the QB…). There’s your 2015 Dolphins folks. On the plus side, the Big Sue signing is looking better, he finished the game with one tackle, two assists and a sack. The league had better watch out when he’s paired with Chandler Jones next year, the burgers are going to be game changing.
In second to last, we find the Patriots’ practice squad. The Pats rolled out a bunch of guys who should by all accounts be working at Home Depot on Sunday afternoon and, predictably, were fairly terrible. Fortunately, the defense is pretty good (even without a starting safety) and they were able to keep the vaunted Jets’ offense down enough to hold their own offense in the game. Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski were then able to muster just enough to erase a 10 point fourth quarter deficit (which should have probably only been 7 or so, but we’ll get into that later). Then the Genius of Bill Belichick took over. Bill decided that it would be smart to not give the greatest QB of all time a chance in overtime and played to lose. He thought his defense could make a stop (which they should have) and then he knew that he’d only need to move the ball 30 or so yards for a field goal. Let that sink in, he was counting on his kicker when Tom Brady is his Quarterback. I said it here first on Monday and I want to repeat it, Bill Belichick seems to be losing his fastball. He’s still by far the best head coach in the league, but he’s now cost his team two wins this month with stupid play calls and poor decision making- that’s what happens when you get old. Oh well, it’s kind of lucky that the AFC (and the entire league) sucks this year because that means the Pats will most likely be playing in the AFC Championship game for the 5th straight year.
On to the winners….
It’s a tough call between first and second this week, as neither team really beat anyone good, but by default we’ll put the Bills in the second spot. The Bills did something that they don’t often do, they beat the Dallas Cowboys (we could have also just said “won a game” here, but I like to bring up bad memories…). The Cowboys, led by up and coming superstar Kellen Moore looked hopeless against Rex’s confusing schemes. Poor Mr. Moore could only muster 13 completions out of his 31 attempts for a paltry 186 yards, compare that to Ty-God’s 13 competitions for 179…oh, um wait…
Moving on, the Bills running game led by scrap heap find Mike Gilleslee and former FSU safety Karlos Williams racked up over 200 yds rushing and led the team to an unsurmountable 16 points. Yup, that’s all I’ve got, the Bills are the Bills, they pushed themselves further down the first round, so you can say, even when they win, they lose.
And tied for second place, we find the J-e-t-s Jets. The people of New Jersey are firing up their parade floats after beating the few Patriot starters that made the trip, because hey, they are not yet eliminated from the playoffs and they will probably lose the division by less than usual! Yay! The Jets and their fans spent most of Sunday and Monday celebrating like they won the Super Bowl (a game that they’ve not even played in for nearly half a century now). Their defense if “for real”, you know when they are not giving up 10 point fourth quarter leads to the likes of Keyshawn Martin and Brandon LaFell. Hey, at least being in a dump, they will have no shortage of scrap paper to uses as ticket tape for the celebration. Also, I would like to extend a little apology to the people of Florida, I spend a lot of time knocking the intelligence of the people in your state and the education system down there, but if the people of New Jersey think that throwing for less than 4,000 yards and 30 TDs while leading your team to no more than 11 wins and second place in one of the worst divisions in football considers MVP merit, well then we might just have a new contender for “Biggest Embarrassment to America”.