Archer Weekly Stories: Rampage Edition


Archer Weekly Stories: Rampage Edition
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Week 2 is over and an unexpected team is first place in the East. It was a frustrating weekend for a couple of teams as very winnable games turned into hilarious losses and the only non-surprise is the lone team in the luxurious basement.


Buffalo Bills

The Bills made the wise decision of benching Nathan “J” Peterman who was one of the worst QBs in NFL history. They switched to the raw rookie of Josh Allen who has all the tools of a good QB but needs more refinement. Allen played about how you expected, with some big plays but some bonehead decisions. He has the traits you drool about and showed that arm talent, but also thought he was still playing Mountain West football with the amount of times he held the ball too long and took bad sacks.  At running back, LeSean McCoy suffered an injury which really hurts as the offense was going to be heavily reliant on him. Overall, the offense took a step forward from week one but they still got a way to go.


On defense, the effort in the first half was utterly pathetic as they let Phillip Rivers do whatever he wanted.  Then at halftime Vontae Davis, the ex Dolphin, called it quits and left. That seemed to be the spark the defense needed as they played remarkably better in the second half. Sean McDermott said it was because he was calling plays instead of Defensive Coordinator Leslie Frazier but I know the real reason. The locker room got better removing a Dolphin and the Mad Clapper was able to rally the troops in the second half. Maybe this effort will keep up next week as the plan against the Vikings is to allow only Dalvin Cook have a great game.


New York Jets 

The Jets had a great first game against the hilariously bad Detroit Lions. Sam Darnold was letting that performance get to his head in his divisional matchup against the London Dolphins. Darnold had the trademark USC turnovers, throwing two picks and fumbling once as it was a very tearful game for him. The bigger concern was the Jets running game being nonexistent. Crowell showed why Duke Johnson was the real feature back in Cleveland and Bilal Powell was terrible with the kiss of death. The Jets running game was so bad, they were outrushed by the Dolphins WR Ryan Tannehill.  It was a bad game for the offense and they should feel really bad. The defense wasn’t terrible nor great, they were kind of meh which is what you expect from Todd Bowles.



Miami Dolphins

The Dolphins are coming off a high of beating Blaine Gabbert and they headed to New Jersey to fight the Jets. The defense had the easy task of facing a USC QB which meant turnovers galore. The defense played pretty well, stopping the run and limiting the Jets to 12 points. On offense, Ryan Tannehill was very efficient with the likes of Albert Wilson (who) and Not Welker. The Dolphins played very well rounded against a division rival which is all you can ask for as they are now 6 wins away from the promised land of 8-8.


New England Patriots

The Patriots had a AFCCG rematch with the Jacksonville Jaguars and this time the refs weren’t there to rule Myles Jack down. The Patriots defense got utterly demolished by Blake Bortles who combined with Tom Brady has 3 NFL MVPs and 4 Super Bowl MVPs. It was a painful sight to see as the horrible management of the defense by the Evil Emperor Bill Belichick backfired. They got burned by some guy named Keelan Cole and gave up a big catch in run to some guy named Dede Westbrook who is just as bad a person as Joe Mixon (Hooded must have him in fantasy).  On offense it wasn’t much better. The Patriots think Sony Michel is better as a runner than James White and it bit them in the butt. The only bright spot for the passing game was James White being a catch machine and ESPN’s made up QBR stat said Tom Brady had a great game. But everyone knows that the offense was bad and this was the second worst loss of the weekend. The worst was…..


Jimbo Knew 

The Florida State Seminoles went to Syracuse to play some team whose mascot is an orange. They haven’t lost to the Orange in years, back when Tom Coughlin was playing there. That was before the meteor hit that took out the dinosaurs. Well this Florida State team is a team of destiny, the destiny of ending the longest bowl streak in the NCAA and making every FSU fan go grey. It was a terrible loss as the Noles offensive line makes the Bills offensive line look like a bunch of All-Pros. What is worse is the defense which has some of the most talent in the country, got shredded by some guy named Eric Dungey and lost to a team with AN ORANGE AS A MASCOT. AN ORANGE! Football is dumb and at least Hockey is coming back soon. Go Bolts!


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