HALF-TIME: Dolphins


HALF-TIME: Dolphins
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HALF-TIME: The (Fin) Force Seal Farts – These aren’t the sea mammals you’re looking for

Luciano’s overall ranking encouraged me to take a closer look at this roster to see what has caused the lube to dry up and crack like a diabetes laden, American plumber’s backside while fixing his inbred sister’s sink. I’m not a fantasy guy and b/c football isn’t baseball I won’t go into the abyss on stats to back up my evaluation (in some cases I do b/c this is my facking article – F U Archer).


I’ve ordered my analysis per strongest to weakest players/units:


  1. Reshad Jones S

I’d like to introduce our best player… by far. 5th in the league in tackles (right behind 4 LBs), many of which are of the BIG and behind the LOS variety, 2 picks returned for TDs, etc… Safety is tough position to evaluate overall when you don’t watch every game and b/c of TV coverage/angles, but I’m near certain this guy is in the top 5 at the position if not higher (code for 1st). What’s more impressive is his comrades in the secondary are way down on this list.


  1. Receivers/TEs

Grouping these guys is going to sell several players short – namely Landry and Matthews – but this team spreads the ball around quite well and this group has talent. Landry is a legit gamer with more skill than he gets credited for. Matthews is a nice surprise and Tanney’s other go-to guy. Still’s flashes but there’s only so many balls to go around and our OL and play calling doesn’t facilitate the deep ball very often. Disappointments include Jennings (old) and Parker (injured). At TE, we have Cameron who’s played well when targeted and Simms who’s injury early on hurt us more than most realize via his blocking ability and our overall affinity for 2 TE sets. Overall, no worries with this group… they’ve done their part.


  1. QB: Ryan – I’m not Marino, nor am I Henne Tanne – fack I just got sacked again – hill… 192/299, 64.2% (T16th) – 2,237 yrds (7th) – 13 TD (T12th), 9 INTs (T6th)

QBs are the only position player to get stuck with the W/L record in arguably the ultimate team sport… that fact, coupled with his stats, indicate he’s a mediocre qb at best. Tough to argue and I’d like him to be #1 on this list for sure but I see this kid doing impressive stuff in every game, often in the face of crap qbs supposedly better than he simply don’t have to deal with (see below). I don’t know what will happen with this franchise after this disaster but blowing up this position shouldn’t be part of it. He’s fine… protect him… let him audible for facksakes… move him around… and I bet you see a pretty good qb for a long time…


  1. RB – Lamar Miller for the most part… 91 / 478 (16th), 5.3/att (7th), 5 TDs (T3rd) *85 Yard long is 10 yrds more than 2nd place

I’ll make this one quick… give this guy and the position overall the rock way more often please. This comes back to coaching (see below).

T5.   OL – Looking at them as a group is being lazy b/c they are a conundrum, wrapped up in a riddle stuffed up an enigma’s moose cknuckle… 23 Sacks allowed (5th – not in a good way) – 826 rush yrds (22nd), 4.9/Att (2nd)

Our OL is ok when everyone is healthy. I think our OGs have improved, which is to say they remain inadequate but no longer disastrous. Albert is solid to excellent. Pouncey, as an inline C, is overrated imho… he becomes deadly when pulling/out in space. James is ok and will continue to improve. Our depth is the issue here… it is a rotten seal vagina – smelly and loose like a wizard’s sleeve. However, this unit could be ‘managed’ more effectively via better play calling, game management, coaching, etc. (see below)

T6.   Secondary, minus Jones

As per the 2nd half of last year, it’s really hard to evaluate your secondary when your DL (see below) is as bad/inconsistent as ours. I still feel Grimes can do the job (unless your name is Sammy Watkins). Taylor, McCain, etc. are not very good but good enough if we could stop the run and generate a consistent pass rush vs. teams not named Titans or Texans. ALSO, losing Delmas has hurt this unit/team for a second year in a row.


  1. Front 7 – I’m lumping them all together b/c they are a lump of sh!t at this point

I thought our LBs would struggle if/when injuries occurred, but nope, they’re a healthy version of suck. That said, I feel for LBs in the NFL who they don’t have a DL/scheme that can keep OL off them and that’s the case with the fins. Re: scheme, our run fits/gap discipline is horawful. So often you see DL in the backfield b/c they’ve shot a gap vs. filing it only to have the RB run by untouched onto our now OL laden LBs (hence Jones and Grimes are our leading tacklers). Suh has played well but no one will say it b/c he’s overpaid, dirty, etc. Wake was starting to wake up but is likely to be coaching in the CFL next year. The rest are tough to evaluate… overall, Coyle’s stench remains… as does the stench of Philbin not firing him after last season’s collapse.


  1. Coaching – namely Philbin, Coyle (scheme remains), Lazor… I’ll leave Chuck Rambo out of this for now

Terrible, awful, rotten, embarrassing… I’ve noted why throughout this article. The HC has been fired, his approach cleansed for the most part. The fired DC will haunt us until the offseason. Lazor hasn’t adapted to his players. Even games where the final score seems lopsided it’s really been a 5-7minute sequence of bad calls, stupid penalties, etc. that kill this team and I put that on coaching. To me, the NFL is essentially 140+, heavily scripted and regulated, 5-7 second ‘events’ per game (NE has embraced this concept and built a dynasty around it)… followed by 20-30 seconds of ‘break time’ to conjure up the next scheme… It’s NOT a QB league, it’s a coach’s league… and ours have failed.

*I didn’t put management on this list b/c I think they can only do so much. There’s talent on this team, here’s to hoping we can find a group of coaches to make it work in 2016… that, and 5 OL, 2LB and 2CB in the 1st round next year.

Go Habs!


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