Happy Holidays everyone. Sorry we missed last week, I was busy collecting and delivering food donations to a bunch of area shelters and food pantries. The guard has been changed and it appears there is a new era in the AFC East (see what he did there?), so let’s get right to this two-week spectacular.
Last place goes to the Pats. My goodness this team is terrible. The Pats found themselves entering this crucial stretch of the season with some hope. It would have been a tall task to win all three of their remaining games, but they were all against teams from the AFC East, so of course it was possible. Instead the pats followed up their disastrous performance in LA by getting humiliated by the Dolphins. I mean this game was ugly from the word go, Cam Newton continued to suck as bad as any QB has sucked in the history of the NFL. Like all 100 plus years of it. My god. So then they welcomed their little brother to Foxboro and even though the Pats had been mathematically eliminated and the Bills were the newly crowned division champs, some thought the pats would show some sort of pride and put up a fight. Boy were we wrong. Although the Pats did score their first TD in over two games, the Bills just embarrassed them. Showing the Pats absolutely no respect and rubbing their noes in it. So that brings us to Bill Belichick and the future of the Pats. I did some thinking this morning and came to the realization that we should have expected nothing less from Bill, being the dear friend of our soon to be unemployed president that he is. The two seem to be just a pair of peas in a pod. Each one sits in complete control of their organization, both ran said organizations directly into the ground as soon as they were shown any real adversity and neither is willing to take any responsibility for it. Although in Bill’s case it’s even worse because literally everything is his fault. Oh well, now he can get out fishing in Miami with Jimmy Johnson earlier this year. Hopefully the boat sinks. (Jimmy would survive, that hair is magical.)
Second to last place has to be the Jets. I mean really, this could only happen to the Jets right? Generational talent coming in and you’re in the driver’s seat for the #1 overall pick. Mind you, this is more than just a generational on-field talent like Andrew Luck, this is a handsome man, with flowing golden locks, very much unlike Andrew Luck. Just imagine the marketing opportunities the Jets would have had at their fingertips with that hair flip in that city. He’d have every lady on the Upper East Side sitting on the dryer dreaming of him and every hipster in Brooklyn buying Lawrence brand hair conditioner. But you’re the Jets, so even though you’ve found new and interesting ways to lose all year long, when lit comes to crunch time, you beat two playoff teams in consecutive weeks (and have the lowly Pats coming in for week 17, you could really end up picking 3rd couldn’t you?). I guess now that Adam Gase had no one left to throw in front of the busses barreling down the Parkway in his direction, he decided to actually put in some work and try to keep his job. Boy I hope that happens.
On to the teams that actually matter in today’s NFL. (it being these two teams is so 2020 it’s not even funny)
The Dolphins are in second place. As we mentioned before, they routed the Pats. Mind you they did this with no starting WRs on the team, no TE and they were starting the backup to their backup running back. Maybe they were lucky they were playing the team that quit in October, or maybe they are really good (I’m going with the former), but whatever the reason, they kicked ass. To be honest, it really should have been a lot worse, but the Fins fell pray to the old electricity rule and lost a defense score. The Fins were able to ride that backup to the backup running back to their best running day in nearly a decade and even young Tua was made to look like a competent NFL player. Then came Christmas Day where the Fins got to spend their holiday like any true degenerate dreams of. In Vegas. They Fins made a struggling Raiders team look pretty decent, but they were able to squeak by with a Christmas miracle, game winning FG. Which is good, because all that lube Fin fans got in their stackings didn’t need to go to waste. Now the Fins just need to beat the division champs this week and they will be back in the playoffs with a chance to bring some respect to the Belichick coaching tree.
And first place goes to the new division champions, the Buffalo Bills. Yes, I know it’s weird to have a new division champion after 11 years of the Pats winning it with little to no effort. But Tom Brady did what old people do and moved to Florida, so the Bills get the honor of winning a rudderless division. But at least the NFC East exists so no one can say they won the worst division in football. The Bills have been impressive this year, they were presented with an opportunity and they taken it. Coach Sean McDermott has been exactly what the Bills needed, a strong willed, smart coach who doesn’t make mistakes. He’s gotten the most out of the players 2020 GM of the Year Brandon Beane (Yes, I’m giving him the award now, wanna fight about it?) has provided. Stephon Diggs should be in the MVP conversation, because as soon as he arrived in Buffalo, the Bills became a real team. The effect he has had on the entire offense is ridiculous. With a win against the fraudulent Dolphins next week, the Bills will lock up the #2 seed in the playoffs (of course this will be the first year that the 2 seed is nothing special because you don’t get a bye) and have a shot to maybe win a playoff game or two and Josh Allen can maybe achieve levels of success only achieved by QBs the likes of Blake Bortles and Case Keenum.
(Fun part is, I actually used to like the Bills. I just hate their owner so much. I mean if Terry Pegula were melted alive in a barrel of acid, I would smile. Fucking child and environment poisoning scum. This can’t be said enough. And the fans can mostly kiss my ass too. Why don’t you win something, anything in the history of your franchise before getting an attitude.)