Holy hell, what a week in the AFC East…It started last Wednesday and wrapped up on Monday due to some hoaxey complications. The overall record came in at a familiar 1-3, so let’s get right to it before anyone else catches the corona.
The one good thing about the Jets this week was that it was over before the weekend even started. This week the Jets welcomed the Broncos to MetLife Stadium on Thursday night to have the honor of embarrassing everyone to ever have associated themselves with the organization. Adam Gase continues to mystify viewers the world over with his baffling play calls. And Joe Douglas continues to defy all logic in keeping Gase employed. But hey, at least the Jets are stubbornly sticking true to their history of complete and utter buffoonery. I can’t wait until around early March when the Jet fans are all telling us how THIS time it will be different when Jimbo Fisher is leading them. “Just look at how he recruits. He’s going to attract great free agents to go with his innovative offense.” Or possibly Dabo Swinney’s ego is getting too big for Clemson and we’ll get, “Dabo knows Trevor, so they’re going to just pick up where they left off.” Obviously, it will end in disaster. Oh yeah, the Jets are in last place.
In second to last place, the Miami Dolphins. The Fins found themselves in the fortuitous position of welcoming a team from the West coast to their home for a 1pm game. This was enough to the keep the game with the Seahawks close, but in reality what little puffs of smoke are left in Fitz’s magic wand are not enough to compete with actual NFL level talent. It really is time to bring on Tua, the fans are getting restless wasting Brian Flores’ elite coaching and what might be the only season when Devante Parker is actually motivated. Ahh yes, the game…The Fins hung around all day and made sure the score didn’t look too out of control, so fans won’t make too much fun and those most devoted to the team can claim with a semi straight face that the team is improving and the future will be bright. But Fitz made some very timely mistakes and ensured that the Fins stay on pace for a top 6 pick in the 2021 draft.
And coming in third to last, the New England Patriots. The Pats lost a close battle to the China Virus this week and had to have their much-anticipated game with the Chiefs postponed about 27 hours. I for one demand answers to how two men that are so devoted to our Dear Leader, in Bobby Kraft and Bill Belichick can be allowed to suffer the indignity of having their good fortune marred by this silly hoax that the aforementioned Leader has totally under control? But the China-Virus took out the Pats’ QB so they decided to roll Brain Hoyer out to lead the offense against the best team in the NFL. The Pats defense performed admirably, holding Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs offense touchdownless in the first half. (This marks the third consecutive game that the Pats have held Mahomes to 0 TDs in the first half.) But starting early, the Pats made mistakes that you just can’t get away with against good teams. Devon McCourty dropped an easy INT on the Chiefs’ first possession, the Chiefs got a FG on the drive. Hoyer air mailed a ball down the middle and it was easily intercepted by the Chiefs. The Pats then got a bad call, when a potential pick 6 (at least an interception deep in Chiefs territory) was ruled a sack. The Pats actually made lemonade out of that and drove down inside the Chiefs’ 10 yard line in the final minute of the half. Then Brain Hoyer showed us all why he had lost his previous 11 NFL starts. Sacked, no timeouts. End of half. Again, the Pats have the ball inside the KC 10, with a chance to at least tie the game. Hoyer sacked, fumble, Chiefs’ ball. Fuck Brian Hoyer. Then Belichick got tired of that clown show and inserted Jarrett Stidham at QB. That didn’t go all that well. Stid did drive the Pats down for a touchdown to climb within one score in the 4th quarter…But Edelman handed the ball the Honey Badger for an easy score. Game over
Which leads us to the only winner of the week and now likely division champ. The Buffalo Bills.
In fact, I would like to extend an apology to Bills fans.
Brandon Beane is an excellent GM. I think when he was hired, I assumed he would be terrible. In fact, I would like to start a petition today to go back in time and have him awarded GM of the year awards for the past two seasons. He has done a masterful job of making his team Josh Allen-proof. No matter how hard Mr. Allen tries, his teammates refuse to lose. The Bills got out to a decent lead out in Las Vegas, but Josh just couldn’t put the butter fingered Raiders away, no matter how many times the Boys in Black dropped the ball. There’s a great vibe in Buffalo these days, let the table diving commence and bring on the playoffs, so we can finally put this whole Josh Allen debate to bed.