The 2017 NFL Regular Season is upon us. One team opened with a bye, because they are made of sugar and feared melting in the rain. One team shocked us by collapsing in the 4th quarter and one team won.
Here we go.
I really would have liked to rank the Pats last, but the Jets are still considered a professional football team for some reason. For those who don’t know, the Jets suck, they suck so hard. The Jets managed to muster a grand total of 214 yards of total offense against a team that sold off half of their defensive players last week. QB Josh McCown is as hapless as we expected and the running game is nauseating. We all knew the Jets would blow, but deep down I think we all kind of hoped that they would be better than this. I mean teams this bad are bad for everyone. I mean I don’t even really know what to say, the Jets might just suck as much as their management team had hoped. I guess this is good for the NCAA, if the Jets get the #1 pick, all the top QBs will likely return to college next year.
In second to last place, the Pats. What a disgrace that was. Right from the beginning, when “Super Fan” Mary Mark Whalberg; who left the SB early then blamed it on his kid, took the stage to MC the banner ceremony. I hear from people who were in attendance that Flo Rida was absolutely awful in the pre-game concert (oh yeah, Guster played a show in Boston earlier in the day to celebrate the title…). All the Pats needed to do was lick up six inches in the first quarter and they could have rolled to a blowout victory. Unfortunately, the best back up to the back up in the NFL got stuffed. Then the Pats macaroni strainer defense allowed Alex Freaking Smith (who tried to be Alex Smith when he got sacked by the hashmark early in the second quarter) dominate them to the tune of nearly 400 yards and four TDs. Oh yeah, a guy that has never played and NFL game also racked up 180 yards and three TDs. Did you know, that prior to Thursday night the Pats had held leads heading into the 4th quarter at home like 105 times. They had won them all. Well, now we can stop the 19-0 talk. Oh yeah, Brady looked every day of his 40 years as well.
On to the Dolphins. They didn’t play due to a fake hurricane that did no damage to Miami. Ann Coulter just called Jay Cutler a pussy.
And the only winner of the week. The Buffalo Bills. Yes you read that right, the 1st place Buffalo Bills. Hope and optimism have returned to Buffalo. Fans are saying that the Bills are being disrespected because they are not ranked higher than the Pats in the Power Rankings and I’m sure a few of them are already calling coach McDermott and purchasing playoff tickets. I heard somewhere that Shady was a “monster”, yup he rushed for 110 yards. Tyrod did what Tyrod does, he completed barely more than 50% of his passes for 224 yards, two TDs and an INT. This season should be a fun one for the Bills, I’m thinking somewhere along the lines of 2011, when they started 4-2, got the whole region all lubed up then proceeded to lose 8 of their next 10. But hey, on this day the world is your oyster Buffalo, go get drunk off a minor’s ass crack.