Ralphie through the years
The words ‘Cheap’ and ‘Old’ have become almost common place on this blog when we talk about Ralph “Ralphie” Wilson Jr. Mason jars, mattresses stuffed with money, coffee cans filled with nickels, stagecoaches, and leach therapy all have been tied to Ralphie in one form or another.
Even beloved Bills fans have chipped in some commentary along the way…We have had hours of fun loving “Ralphie jokes” being told about being old or cheap that have entertained everyone to no end. [dropcap][/dropcap]
So I took the liberty to look back at some of our commentary and pull together a “Walk Through History with Ralphie”. I hope everyone enjoys:
About 13.7 Billion Years ago, the “Big Bang” occurred. There is some evidence to suggest that the “Big Bang” was actually Ralphie dropping his largest Mason Jar and filling the universe with precious metals, ores, and raw materials.
About 4 Billion Years ago the Earth was formed. Though it is uncertain how, in fact, life started on the new planet it is speculated that Ralphie spilled a can of Campbell’s Primordial Soup which, inadvertently, caused the formation of simple cells and molecules. Various forms of life came and went over the next couple of Billion years, Ralphie enjoyed the outdoor living with the wide varieties of flora and fauna that the planet had to offer.
However, about 231,000,000 years ago, the age of the Dinosaur began which threatened Ralphie’s tranquil life style. No longer was he able to take long wheelchair rides along the tar pits without having a Tyrannosaurus Rex or a Triceratops chase him back to his palatial cave. Like many other creatures that came before them, the Dinosaur was no match for Ralphie. Approximately 65 Million years ago, clumsy old Ralphie dropped his largest Mason Jar again and whipped the planet clean of the Dinosaur.
[dropcap][/dropcap]Ralphie spent many a lonely year while the Earth recovered from his latest accident, Ralphie himself wheel chaired the Earth collecting all of the nickels that were dispersed during his last accident.
About 6,000,000 years ago, it is believed that Ralphie helped the first hominine stand upright and walk. This led, of course to the beginning of the Human race. Many people, who believe is a more tradition/religious history, think that it was around this time that Ralphie evicted Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden for not paying their rent on time. Eventually Ralphie would replace the lush green grass of the Garden of Eden with AstroTurf because it was cheaper to maintain.
Many years later, Ralphie found himself working with a Noah to build an Ark that the Lord had commanded Noah to build. As Noah went forth to find two of every animal to store on the Ark, Ralphie decided that “No one should ride for free” and started charging admission to the animals. Unfortunately, animals such as the Dodo Birds and the Unicorns were not able to afford Ralphie’s ticket prices and were drown into extinction.
Ralphie was involved with his first labor negotiation deal between the Egyptian Pharaoh and the Hebrew slaves….The Slaves would work for no money and the Pharaoh promised not to kill them. Ralphie was banished with Israelites during the Exodus for trying to pass wooden currency at the Pharaoh’s favorite saddle shop. This ultimately led to Ralphie providing Moses with bad direction leaving the Israelites to wander aimlessly in desert.
Ralphie would go on to provide guidance to many world leaders. This included:
– Giving directions to Julius Caesar on March 15th to the Greek Senate
– Providing Immigration advice to the Roman Emperor
– Detailing invasion plans of Russia for Napoleon
– Creating Defensive plans for France pre-World War 2
Outside of all these historic escapades, Ralph Wilson Jr is a key reason that the AFC East teams of today are in existence. Even with his Hall of Fame Ownership and well documented frugality, his leadership did help the fledgling AFL stay afloat in its early years. Though the game and league passed Ralphie by several decades ago, he still remains a stalwart figure in the NFL today and at the very least we should tip our Mason Jars to him once in a while.
After all: Ralphie did fight the British for us!