Doom all around
For the past couple of weeks we’ve been hearing about all the accolades of guys running in shorts and the exploits of our starters vs your backups, so I figured it’s high time someone knocked you all down a peg. So here I am with the first annual DOOM report- why each team in the AFC East will falter and miss the playoffs (someone has to get in, but does anyone really deserve it?)
We’ll have to start with the reigning offseason champs because it’s been fairly nauseating to live with all of you Finatics who bought you’re blow hole lube by the 55 gallon drum in April and have been banging away ever since.
1. Tannehill is not as good as you think. Remember he has never had an NFL season where he threw more TD’s than Int’s in his career- even Mark Sanchez did it once…
2. Mike Wallace can only run in a straight line and he will undoubtedly be close to 300 lbs by Thanksgiving- you can’t prove that this won’t happen.
3. Offseason champs never win- and that’s a FACT MORON!
4. The Pats are in your division, so you might as well go home.
Now for last season’s offseason champ the Bumbling Buffalo Bills. [dropcap][/dropcap]
It’s rare that you see a team go from media darlings and many folk’s “sleeper pick” to laughing stock in just a few weeks. But when it’s a feat of futility you’re looking for, the Bills are always there for you.
1. It’s been 13 years since the Bills made the playoffs, why should that streak end now?
2. EJ Manuel. Yeah he looked good in his first couple of preseason drives, but in true EJ fashion (which he learned from the great Christian Ponder) once things started going well he went down with a minor injury that will probably cost him the starting spot for week 1.
3. EJ Manuel. Unfortunately for him defenses line up on both the left AND right sides of the field and his receivers are not going to be stationary hoops.
4. They have to play the Patriots twice and will have their hopes and dreams dashed about 15 minutes into the season…[dropcap].[/dropcap]
The Jets. Do we really even have to go through this?
1. Rex Ryan
2. Mark Sanchez
3. Mark Sanchez
4. Even Fireman Ed quit on you.
And now the Pats. Yes, they have dominated this division for the last decade plus, but all good things must come to an end.
Sorry, that’s not going to happen this year because:
1. Tom Brady
2. Bill Belichick
3. Tom Brady
4. Bill Belichick
5. They get to play in a division with the aforementioned scrub teams.
Disclaimer: Your team sucks and the Pats are awesome. So suck on that!
By: Vinny (please send all death threats to firstname.lastname@example.org)