Be thankful. You could be the Ravens.
As the holidays come crashing down upon our collective heads, it’s time to take stock of the things we’re thankful for. No, please don’t list them. The rest of us don’t care that much about you.
Now, let’s consider the things the various NFL teams are thankful for. One line for each; no waiting…
New York Giants: That we didn’t fire everyone last season.
Washington Redskins: That Kirk isn’t that annoying black guy.
Philadelphia Eagles: That there’s only six games left before Chip’s ouster.
Dallas Cowboys: That Romo’s return has actually quieted down the Greg Hardy uproar.
Green Bay Packers: That we still have Aaron, and you don’t.
Minnesota Vikings: That we might actually be in contention and in relative good health.
Chicago Bears: That John Fox isn’t Marc Trestman.
Detroit Lions: That another rebuilding process is looming.
Carolina Panthers: That Cam is an MVP candidate.
Atlanta Falcons: That we still have a winning record.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: That our rookie QB is living up to his own observations regarding sexual accuracy and direction.
New Orleans Saints: That Drew Brees isn’t Peyton Manning…yet.
Arizona Cardinals: That Carson is still healthy.
Seattle Seahawks: That we’re not below .500…yet.
St. Louis Rams: That our coach hasn’t been totally exposed as a fraud. Partially is ok.
San Francisco 49ers: That we can’t understand anything our coach is saying.
New England Patriots: That our fanbase actually bought all that crap.
Buffalo Bills: That we look more complete than at any time since the 90’s.
New York Jets: That we look more complete than at any time during Rex’s tenure.
Miami Dolphins: That Joe Philbin is gone, and half the roster soon will be.
Cincinnati Bengals: That it isn’t the playoffs…yet.
Pittsburgh Steelers: That we’re miraculously still in the playoff race despite the presence of Michael Vick.
Baltimore Ravens: Next!
Cleveland Browns: That Johnny Manziel didn’t disclose exactly what he went to rehab for.
Indianapolis Colts: That the rest of our division is really awful.
Houston Texans: That our quarterback makes no difference as long as we have a defense.
Jacksonville Jaguars: That we’re young, and can use that as an excuse.
Tennessee Titans: That we have Marcus, and will soon have Chip.
Denver Broncos: That we soon won’t have to make up excuses for Peyton.
Kansas City Chiefs: That there are 16 games in the regular season.
Oakland Raiders: That we finally have talent. Next year, consistency.
San Diego Chargers: That a new venue and fanbase in Los Angeles will boost our sagging attendance.
AFC North Player Thanksgiving Notables: Joe Flacco, for not having to watch this disaster of a season anymore; Brandon Williams, for being the lone consistent bright spot on an otherwise forgettable roster; Ben Roethlisberger, for proving that he’s a more capable QB than offensive juggernaut Landry Jones; DeAngelo Williams, for actually having a role he can amply fill; Andy Dalton, for having an eight-game stretch in which fans weren’t calling for his head; Vontaze Burfict, for not being on IR; Mike Pettine, for still having a job; and Josh McCown, because it ain’t his fault.
Happy Thanksgiving, AFC North!