The Super Bowl is behind us and once again no AFC East team was represented (but come on, no one really expected any of these crappy teams to make it anyway), and now that we are in the dark days of sports (no, mid-season NBA basketball doesn’t tickle my fancy) I figured this would be a great time to take out the crystal ball and let you all know what your favorite teams are in for in the coming season. I talked to a psychic, so everything here is set in stone, sorry for spoiling it for you.
As always, we start from the bottom.
In last place, I present you with your Miami Dolphins. Sorry Fin Fans, but the heady days of 9-7 are behind you. While I still believe in Ryan the Great, it appears that the carnies that inhabit central Florida are not going to be heading out to tour the country this summer, but have decided to stay local and bring the tilt-a-wheel and whack-a-mole setups to the sunny shores of South Beach. We all had a good laugh while Mr. Ross got rejected by every qualified GM candidate (but hey, Tampa Bay has had such great success of late, why not bring in the guy that worked for the guy that screwed up that franchise…?), but things are about to get a whole lot worse for Smooth Joe and Co. They’ve got no offensive line, no running backs, one wide receiver who’s owed $17MM+ this season, and a bunch of mediocre linebackers. There are really only four letters that can represent what’s coming for the long suffering Miami franchise-D O O M. 2014 final record: 6-10
In third place, we have the ultimate little brother, the NY Jets. It was refreshing to not have asinine quote after asinine quote pour out of New Jersey last season and I think we were all pleasantly surprised to see the Jets claw their way up to mediocrity. Rex saved his job and now is looking at another few years of kissing Belichick’s rings and hopefully we’ll be treated with a few more years of foot fetish scandals, ridiculous tattoos and bad jokes. The Jets do have the now reigning defensive player of the year, so we can all be sure that Rex will insist on drafting another defensive lineman in the first round, or maybe we’ll get lucky and they’ll trade up for and overrated QB (Johnny Football in NY would be a disaster of epic proportions). GM John Idzik seems to be trying to take a page out of his old mentor in Seattle’s playbook, unfortunately for him his second round QB sucks. The Jets offense is sure to be historically awful, but I will give Rexy credit on his defensive skills so they are perfectly poised for another mediocre season. 2014 final record 8-8
Now as you’ve been reading, I think most of you are now surprised that I would put the Buffalo Bills in second place. Well, that’s because I think they’re better than some might think. Now don’t get me wrong, they’re not going to make the playoffs, but they might actually be a little more competitive this year and it is possible that they actually control their own playoff destiny for a couple of weeks before you know, being the Bills and shooting themselves in the foot (a la the 2013 Dolphins). You all know my feelings on EJ Manuel, so we’re not going to dwell on him, but I would like to speak about the defense. “The legend of Kiko” was more of a short story, but he should develop a little and the defensive line looks as stout as any in the NFL. Now I realize that Byrd is probably going to be playing in Foxboro this year (well I wish, but I can almost guarantee he’ll call somewhere other than Buffalo home), but the secondary still showed flashes. If they can prevent a collective loosening of their bowels against the top passing offenses that thye will face this coming season the Bills are sure to restore all of the hope and optimism in their fans that we have all come to adore. 2014 final record: 9-7
And that’s how the New England Patriots will find themselves, once again as AFC East Champions. Tom Brady is getting older and his receiving weapons are still crafted of paper mache, but quite frankly Bill Belichick and Tom Brady could suit up with the rest of the Rutgers Scarlett Knights roster (Bill has been trying to prove this point for a few years now) and still find a way to win this division. There’s also the fact that Bill and Co. hate losing to Peyton Manning in conference championship games. This little fact could mean that we are in for a big load up a la 2007 and this team if going to be a true tour de force. I see some major move on the horizon that should sure up that roster that has more holes to fill than Lisa Ann (hey it worked for that nerd at OSU, maybe I’ll go to the AVN’s next year…).
2014 final record: 19-0 (they’re going to finish the job they failed to finish after the last time they lost to Peyton in the playoffs)
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