It was another 1-3 week for our merry band of underachievers. With two teams performing in a way that most wouldn’t think possible for NFL teams, one falling short like they always do and another merely taking advantage of their counterpart’s complete ineptitude, let’s get right into the recap of a holiday weekend to forget.
Last place. The Pats. I mean come on, is there any discussion in this ranking? The Patriots have become nothing short of the biggest embarrassment of a team that we have in the NFL. Yes, there is a team with a worse record that just fired their head coach after only 11 games, but that team was supposed to be terrible and they’ve got a new owner who is still figuring out that football if hard. But that Patriots, the Patriots were sold to the world as a team with rock solid leadership and an emerging roster that just had a setback due to some bad coaching last season. If you listened to the media, they were poised to return to fighting for a playoff spot and maybe even make some noise in the division. Even I, the pessimist, thought they had six wins in them. But boy oh boy were we all wrong. This team sucks. And it’s all the fault of the so called “rock solid leadership”. The Coach has given up and is now apparently trying prove some kind of point, except he’s such an oblivious asshole that he doesn’t realize that no one know what he's trying to prove, he’s only destroying his own legacy and any chance he had at being the winningest coach of all time. And the ownership. A right old bunch of frauds if I ever saw one. So much for being the great business men who always get the best value and know how to manipulate the salary cap (which if you are a smart team in largely non-existent these days) better than anyone else. Turns out he’s just a creepy old drunk who stole his father-in-law’s business and lucked into the greatest player of all time who also happened to be willing to sacrifice his own wallet (you know, because he married a billionaire super model and money was no object to him) so he could afford to make shitty deals elsewhere and not have the team be affected. This organization is a disgrace. Belichick needs to be fired yesterday, no, he does not deserve the respect of not being fired midseason. He’s never given anyone, ever, any sort of respect, so why should he deserve any?
Oh yeah, the Pats lost to the Tommy DeVito led Giants 7-10 because Belichick forced Mac Jones to play the first half. Then he didn’t go for the win at the end of the game and settled for a game tying FG attempt with the terrible rookie kicker that he kept over stud veteran kicker Kick Folk. The kid missed an easy kick and the Pats lost.
Second to last place, the Jets. Not really much argument to be had here either. The Jets suck. But it’s not entirely their fault, I will allow for somewhat of an injury excuse with them. But really if anyone actually expected the Jets’ grand plans to actually work out, they haven’t been paying attention to football for the last 40 years.
The way the Jets chose to lose this game was something special though. Having seen enough of the Zach Wilson experiment, Robert “Tossed” Salah decided to shake things up on offense and start Tim Boyle. A man whose employment in the NFL is truly head scratching. Like whom does he know, or who does he have pictures of? It’s got to be someone at the very top, because it’s not like it’s just one organization involved in this conspiracy, he’s played for multiple teams after posting a gaudy one TD per two and a quarter INTs in college. So of course the Jets lost, but it wouldn’t be a Thanksgiving weekend for the Jets without creating an all time Low Light. For some reason, the Jets thought it would be a good idea to have their oft-intercepted QB chuck a Hail Mary at the end of the half. I suppose the reason could be that, while the pass is no doubt going to be intercepted, at least there will be no harm done, I mean no one has ever returned a Hail Mary interception all the way back for a touchdown. Well, obviously they forgot that they are the Jets and just because no such incompetence has been shown before, they are certainly capable of it. And thus, the “Fail Mary” was born. We’ll get to the score later, since they lost to the Dolphins.
And in third to last place, the Bills. Once again, if someone expected a different outcome in this game, they haven’t been paying attention to the NFL since the beginning of time. If there is one thing nearly as reliable as the Jets’ plans failing, it’s the Bills coming up just short in the biggest spots. Look, the Bills played one of (if not the) the best teams in the league and took them to overtime. Yes, Josh Allen turned the ball over, but he also totaled 4 TDs and over 400 yds of total offense. The defense isn’t very good, but hey, the head coach kind of sucks, so that’ll happen. But the game was right there for the Bills to win, they won the toss in overtime and all they had to do was complete one drive and the game was theirs. But, as always with the Bills, they left the door ajar and their opponent just walked on through it. This is who the Bills are, it’s in their DNA, I don’t know if a new QB, or coach or anything can change that. I guess to quote that gambling commercial I see way too much, “It’s just a cold night in Buffalo.”
And now your winner and first place team, the Miami Dolphins. The Fins got a freebie this weekend, I mean Tua wasn’t very good, but they were playing the Jets, so simply rolling their helmets onto the field was really all that was needed. I mean we almost got to see Tyreek Hill go down with an injury, so that was almost cool. (Yes, Hill is the only person in the league who I hope suffers a painful, career ending injury on every play. I just can’t stand seeing good things happen to such a horrible person.) Waddle seems to be getting his game unlocked, having his second straight 100 yard outing and running game was as efficient as ever. Maybe if the A-Chain comes back next week it will be exciting again too. All in all, it was one of the most pedestrian 34-13 blowouts that you’ll see in the NFL. If not for that “Fail Mary” return at the end of the first half, I may have even considered this win a loss and just put the division at 0-4. If the Fins want to make noise in the playoffs, it’s time to start buckling down and getting their focus back.