Well, well, well…What do we have here? The way I see it, the so called worst division in the league just had it’s third 3-1 week of the young season that is so far full of intrigue. One team returns to dominance, one showed flashes of the future, one has a real QB controversy brewing and the last just had it’s future derailed. Wow, let’s get right after it.
In last place, we have the only loser of the week, the Bills. There were a lot of complaints around here about the officiating in the Bills game, but that’s nothing new. If you only believed what you read here, the Bills haven’t had a call go their way since Jim Kelly was lacing them up. How about this Bills? Don’t suck on special teams and also, the Texans are better than you. Let’s get to the real story though. Bills rookie QB Josh Allen is not very good, but the defense is kind of OK and the Bills were in position to shock the world and win another game this year. But then young Josh’s elbow exploded and Nathan Peterman entered the game. Game Over. Josh Allen might not be very good, but my god, Peterman both sucks and blows. He literally threw the game away on a pick six. So now that Allen is out for some time, the Bills are probably regretting their decision to keep J. Peterman over any of the other QBs they had on the roster in training camp. Hey, maybe they can trade for the guy that got benched in Cleveland for Baker? He seemed very willing to help develop a young, mobile QB. Oh well, the Bills were supposed to suck this year and they are living up to their end of the bargain.
Well now that that unpleasantness is behind us, let’s get to the winners.
In third place this week we find the Dolphins because that was a fake win. I would have liked to count this as a loss, but I don’t want to hear the crying. The Bears are an average NFL team at best, that plays in a cold weather city, in another time zone, coming east to play in 100 degree Florida heat. And the Fins had to rely on the Bears missing a field goal in OT to just barely sneak out to the early bird with a “win”. I will give the Fins this, Albert Wilson is pretty good. But when your only really good player is a WR, you’re not very good. But once again, the actual game is not the story here. The story is that Tanny either has a bruised finger, or he has terminal cancer, so he couldn’t play. Enter Brocktoberfest. Following on the heels of Brock Holt’s Brocktoberfest opening fake cycle for the Red Sox, Brock Osweiller took his turn to return the name Brock to greatness. And now there is a QB controversy in Miami. Which has thrown the Tannephites into a tailspin. They don’t want to admit that there could ever be a QB nearly as great as the Mannequin, but they are also so very starved to see competent QB play for the Dolphins, they don’t know what to think. Which leads us to another sign that your team is not very good; Brock Osweiller is the center of a QB controversy. 3-13 is no longer possible, but 4-12 still is.
Second place goes to the Jets this week. The Jets dominated the Colts on Sunday afternoon (after the traditional 1stquarter DarnINT of course), Anakin looked cool and composed as he shredded the Colts below average defense to tune of the most efficient 280 yards we’ve seen in some time. But honestly, they should have just been playing Benny Hill music on loop during the entirety of this game…The scoring was opened by the Mo Claiborne retuning an INT for a touchdown. Just looking at the box score that seems like a great play, actually watching the play just shows you how awful the Colts are. I mean trying to get through the “highlight” package for this game is a chore. With all the guys chasing bouncing fumbles around the field, it looks more like a birthday party in West Virginia where the kids are playing ‘catch the greased pig’ rather than an NFL footballing contest. But this is why the Jets are a dream. A few times every year, they will score a ton of points in exciting fashion. This gets the mongoloids of New Jersey all lubed up in their own chest hair sweat. They yell loudly about how the Jets are coming and their new QB is going to be the next great QB in the league. They might even sniff the playoffs in a year or two. But then that QB they fell in love with will follow the pattern and suck, the defense will never reach its ceiling and they will draft the next great QB in the top 7 in 2022.
And in first place, the Pats. The Pats are here because they beat the last undefeated team in the AFC, who was rumored to be unstoppable. To be fair, the Pats didn’t really stop them, they just were unstoppable themselves. This game was a chilling glimpse into the future of the NFL, where defenses are only there for show and titles will be won by just making sure your defense is just a little less shitty than the opponent (similar to the Super Bowl from last season). The Pats opened up pretty good in the first half, playing their classic bend but don’t break defense and even tricking the actual next great QB into making some bad mistakes (and getting lucky when he missed wide open guys for touchdowns). At halftime this looked like the Pats could somehow make this a laugher. But then the second half rolled around and Andy Reid decided he wanted to attack the Rutgers lawfirm of McCourty, McCourty and Harmon. Boy did those guys suck. It all started when Jason got a quick reminder in what relying on his brother will get you. A 75 yard TD pass to Kareem Hunt because Devon was his customary three steps late. Then Devon and Harmon decided to team up on another 65+ yd TD to Tyreek Hill. The Pats seem to have found a bit of their mojo, but the defense sucks hard and will come back to bite them, either in the AFCCG or the Super Bowl.
Bonus note: I find it rich that Tyreek Hill, a man who plead guilty to choking his pregnant girlfriend wants to make sure a guy that threw a beer at him prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. No, it is not acceptable for fans to throw beer on players, but this is not really the player to make a poster child of…