AFC East

Slick’s 2019 Week 2 Overreactions – Rape, STDs and Incompetence, It’s the AFC East!!!!Expected

Slick’s 2019 Week 2 Overreactions – Rape, STDs and Incompetence, It’s the AFC East!!!!Expected
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Good god, what a week. I mean, yeah this is all happening now…What a time to be alive…

 

In last place we find the Dolphins.  Obviously. My god this is embarrassing, the Fins entered the game 19.5-point underdogs against the mighty Patriots. And it was the easiest money gamblers ever made.  The Fins are so bad, that their offense was nearly outgained by the Patriots’ defense in the game and they were outscored by more points than the offense has produced all season.  We came into this tank kind of laughing, like it might actually be a joke.  But the Fins are deadly serious.  So serious in fact that they once again traded away their 2ndbest player right after the game.  Just because he was trying a little too hard.  Back to those two touchdowns the Fins’ offense allowed…I have not seen a more comical sequence on an NFL field in some time. First, Fitz rolls out, sees that all of his receivers are tripping over themselves, and at least three defenders. But is Fitz deterred?  Hell no, he just sprinkled a little Ftizmagic powder on that ball and rifled it in there.  Unfortunately; his magic dealer in Miami got mixed up and it was common cocaine on the ball, which was promptly intercepted by Stephon Gilmore and returned for a touchdown.  Then on the next drive, just a few plays later, that shitty running back who’s name and play remind me of stomach bile literally handed a wide-open swing pass to Jamie Collins who quite literally walked 69 or so yards into the endzone. That my friends encapsulate your 2019 Miami Dolphins.  Just the worst. 

 

And just a sliver above the Dolphins are the New York Jets.  Every year I predict the Jets’ doom.  Every year Jet fans call me a hater and swear up and down that they Jets are doing it right and this time they will pull it together and just be in contention for a playoff spot.  And just like every year before this one, the Jets are already a laughingstock.  Now I knew Samuel Timothy Darnold (we’ll call him STD from here on out) would fail, but I figured it would be on the field, like most Jet QBs.  But no, always the California showman, young STD decided to do things a little different. On the plus side, little STD finally kissed a girl.  On the downside, like many a 16-year-old deviant before him, he contracted a disease. In this case mononucleosis, a disease your rarely see outside of the local high schools.  Kind of makes you wonder if STD is following in the footsteps of another local hero and has taken to trolling the pickup line at the New Brunswick Senior High (I just hope he gives them a gift basket on the way out the door…)?  The Jets also played a prime-time matchup of 0-1 offseason champions.  Trevor Semen, STD’s backup, promptly had his leg snapped in two and the game and likely the Jets’ season was over.  I will say though, LB played with heart that I didn’t know he possessed.  He was a workhorse in every respect, and Gase will ride him until he literally dies on the field around week 6. 

 

Now that that ugliness is behind us, let’s move on to the winners…

 

…And find some more ugliness in the 2ndplace Patriots.  Don’t get be wrong, the Pats are clearly the best team in the division, but last week I wrote that I expected the whole AB situation to implode in three days.  Before my article was even published a mere 12 hours later, he had been civilly accused of rape and sexual assault.  Yup, seems about right…Fuck this guy and everything he stands for.  Get him off the team I root for.  The team that by the way will sit atop their high horse and tell you at every turn that they are better than this.  But don’t worry, unnamed sources tell us that Bob Kraft would not have signed him had he known this was coming…Let’s not mention that they could just cut him and move on.  But hey, he’s a really good football player and there doesn’t seem to be a video, so the league office doesn’t care, why should the Kraft’s?  On to the game, as I mentioned before, the Pats absolutely rolled the Dolphins.  It wasn’t much of a game…Back Shots Brown looked pretty good in his debut, scoring a TD so as to avoid any temper tantrums and the defense was absolutely dominant.  And just a fun fact, the Patriots have not allowed an opponent to score a touchdown in 12+ quarters of football (the + being the overtime period vs the Chiefs in the AFCCG).  And with the Jets up next, that streak could extend into October.  

 

And in first place, the Buffalo Bills of New York.  As Josh Allen informed us after the game, the Bills are the only team that plays their home games in New York.  And they opened up their season by beating both teams that hail from New Jersey yet claim residency in Manhattan (like many New Jersians).  The Bills are one of the few happy story lines in a bleak start the 2019 NFL season.  The Bills play with a sort of reckless abandon that reminds us some guys do still love the game.  They aren’t heartless robots programed solely to win, or degenerate scumbags that you’d never like to meet in a dark alley.  They are just a bunch of guys that are trying their best and taking advantage of the fortuitus schedule laid out before them.  The aforementioned Mr. Allen isn’t the best QB in the world and he doesn’t exactly protect the ball as much as you’d like.  But he’s got a mean stiff arm and the guys are having fun, so with the Bengals next up on the schedule, there’s a real chance that poor Jim Nantz and Tony Romo will be forced to schlep up to Buffalo in a couple of weeks to call what will be billed as a “Matchup of Undefeated Division Leaders.” Where Brady and the Pats will annihilate them and drive the butt chugging, table smashing, inbred Bills’ Mafia back into their ice shanty’s to wait for next summer’s training camp.  But seriously, the Bills look good and will likely be in playoff contention well into November.             

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