Here we go! The AFC East is really heating up now that someone finally picked the lock on the room where Woody Johnson has been holed up building matchstick models of the Spruce Goose and told him that free agency started a few weeks ago. The offseason title is still up for grabs and all four teams seem to be desperate to get their hands on the Golden Toilet Bowl trophy- chances are this is because everyone has seen what Jeff Ireland has been doing with it since he was fired. The Pats took an early lead with the Revis signing, but the race is far from over.
The New York Jets made what most NFL pundits consider to be the most obvious of all NFL moves in the history of time when they released Mark Sanchez last week. Although Mark was originally distraught after learning that he would have to move away from NYC and find a new, ready source of teenagers, but recent reports have him showing real excitement that he gets to continue his Hall of Shame career in Philly (or maybe he’s found a new fetish and thinks “The City of Brotherly Love” means something else…). The Jets followed up the Sanchez release by bringing in a QB that is equally average and a far worse human being than the Sanchize, so they’ve got that going for them. In other good news, Rex’s lap band survived the buffet at the annual AFC coached breakfast, so Rex is set to be skinny for yet another season and in turn the Jets will suck, Rex’s fat was like Samson’s hair- once it was removed he lost all of his powers. Rumor has it that the Jets have placed a few calls to Philly about DeSean Jackson, unfortunately the real reason that they called was to find Amanda Huginkiss.
The Dolphins continued their offseason dominance by letting the world know that they are shopping Mike Wallace- this news actually retroactively gives them even more points for last offseason. The Fins are also reported to have real interest in bringing a real running back into the fold. Dolphin fans should probably put their dreams on MJD to rest though; Ricky Williams was a Dolphin just about a decade ago and the Dolphins’ policy on not having two good players at the same position within 20 years of one and other prohibits it.
The New England Patriots on the other hand have really put on the full press to take home this year’s title. Since the Revis addition, the Pats have added Brandon Browner and Brandon LaFell and re-signed Julian “That wasn’t my hand” Edelman. Now LaFell sucks- I mean if you can’t pass Ted Ginn on the Panthers’ depth chart, you really suck- but retaining Edelman should be huge. I in no way, shape or form expect him the make it through the season unscathed, but if he can line his injuries up so that they don’t conflict with Danny Amendola’s or Aaron Dobson’s, the Pats might have the chance to be decent at WR this year. The last bit of positive news out of Foxboro recently is that Bob Kraft has resorted to begging Big Vince to stay. Now if Mr. Wilfork will only be open to a Denver-esque, post retirement position of “Assistant Director of Alumni Relations” with a $12MM salary, then the Pats should be all set until the draft. (and they’ll probably lock up the title)
The Buffalo Bills have had a tumultuous week. First, they lost yet another “top” free agent when Aurther Moats decided that guarding the Brady’s California palace was not enough for him and he decided to sign a deal to play football for the Steelers. But the biggest blow of all came when the news of Ralph Wilson’s death reached our ears. We all joke about how old Ralph was or that he was cheap or senile or something else, but the truth of the matter is that without Ralph Wilson, we may not have the NFL as it is currently constituted. So I leave you all with this:
Ralph you will be missed and god willing the Bills will finally break that pesky playoffless streak this year (if not this year, then definitely next).