All right. No distractions, just men running, throwing and catching in shorts, this is what football is all about. Let’s get right to it.
First off we get the Jets. You know that the Jets really weren’t as bad as everyone thinks last year. They could have, should have, would have won almost every game and now that they’ve got Curly Lambeau Jr at head coach things are sure to be different this year. The best news for Jets fans is that their defense is once again elite and assuming Cro doesn’t get shanked in the middle of the night by a scorned baby mama, they will no doubt go down as the greatest to ever play the game. Now for the offense…Geno Smith is the anointed starting QB and he seems to be improving every day; in fact just yesterday he only threw three interceptions at practice AND only two of those were in the red zone. Yes, there really is no doubt that Woody Johnson has finally stepped out into the sun and is about to unleash a terror upon the NFL.
And now we find the New England Patriots. Newly acquired slave hand, Brandon Spikes was given his emancipation from the team early this week after he heroically sought out and recued a helpless deer that was struck by a vehicle he owned (no doubt being driven by one of his old college associates that plays for the Dolphins or Steelers). On the field the Pats defense has been nothing short of dominant. Bill Belichicks rebuilt Swiss Defense is giving the week 1 starting QB fits. It’s really becoming clear that Bill truly is a visionary and that other teams are downright foolish to waste important team resources on frivolous playthings like talented players. Oh yeah, as for the aforementioned week 1 starting QB, there’s nothing to see here. Talk to me when the games count.
Ahh, the Buffalo Bills. Sexy Rexy has everyone shaking in fear of the thundering herd that he has assembled. The defense looks just as dominant as any in the history of time. The Jets’ and Fins’ are going to be hard pressed to find a valid argument that suggests their defenses are better. Mario, Jerry and Company are sure tobe dry humping every QB they meet all season long. And then there’s Rex’s Achilles heel…Offense. Rex brought in QB guru Greg Roman to help out and finally turn EJ into the QB that he should be. FSU fans know the feeling, heading into every year it finally going to be the year the EJ puts it all together. Hey Roman worked such wonders with Colin Kaepernick, why not EJ too? The rest of the offense should be just fine, I mean Roman never had any weapons like the ones he has in Buffalo in his time in San Fran…This is certainly the Bills’ year. And if not this, then certainly next.
And we saved the best for last. The Miami Dolphins. No franchise in the league ever looks better than the Fins when they are practicing in shorts. Maybe it’s the Miami sun reflecting off the bright teal, but man these guys sure look great. The Fins’ upper management looks brilliant in their new strategy of playing to Tanny’s strengths and not wasting any money on the offensive line. I mean even in the best of pocket conditions he’s wild at best, so why not just ignore the line, dump your T-Rex armed “star” wired receiver and get a bunch of gorilla armed speedsters who are known for making circus catches on poorly thrown balls? I say BRILLAINT! Mike Tannenbaum has done it again. On the defensive side of the ball, Mr. Miko has been just close enough to making a lot of plays so that Miko herself can stay on Twitter battling with fans and media personalities alike.
Yes, it all seems to be shaping up to be a great season of AFC East football, I for one just wish they didn’t have to put the pads on, things would be so much more competitive in shorts.