Once upon a time the NFL Draft was one day long and all NFL fans were ripe with anticipation as to who their favorite team would take with their top picks. Fast forward to May 5th, 2014 (Happy Cinco De Mayo by the way…) and we are still waiting for the draft to start and even after it does, we’ll have to wait four days until we can overreact to the picks our respective favorite teams made.
Have no fear, I am here to tell you who your team will pick (maybe not the actual player, but at least the position, caliber of player, possibly their school and how they are sure to fair in the league. I’m going to break down all eight teams across the AFC East and North first couple of draft picks. So if you don’t like to know the end of the movie before you go in, sorry I’m here to ruin your day.
Let’s start at the bottom with the Cleveland Browns. The Brown-eyes currently hold two picks in the first round and are sure to blow at least one of them. There might be a new sheriff in town (Jimmy Haslem), but he seems just as incompetent as his predecessor and could very well land in club fed by the time the 2014 season kicks off. With the number four overall pick, the Browns will no doubt do their best to improve their offense. They have quite possibly one of the top three wide receivers in the NFL and already have the next up and coming QB on their roster in Brian Hoyer. But this is the Browns and after their signing of Vince Young we have been assured that they will continue to be the Browns for the foreseeable future. With that in mind, at #4 the Browns will take Sammy Watkins just to ensure that they reach their quota of choking dogs. With the #26 pick, the Browns will address what many have considered their largest deficiency- QB. It seems like a very Cleveland thing to do to take the most overrated player in a decade (or so) in Teddy Bridgewater. So long story short, the Browns didn’t take my advice and will be swimming in Brown Town for a while…
Next we have our bumbling neighbors from the north, the Buffalo Bills. Now, I’ve said in the past that locating your team on the banks of Lake Erie might be a bad idea- the smell and three eyed fish have to adversely affect the human body- but the Wilson family can rest securely knowing that they are looking down at the team on the other shore so it looks like they’re staying a while.
The Bills are sure to be upset that the Browns swooped in and stole the choker that I’m sure they coveted so much, so it looks like the Hot Wings are going to have to dig deep to find another guy to choke on a chicken bone for them. If the Bills remain at 9, there is a good chance that they take the 2nd most overrated player in this year’s draft- Mike Evans. I however think that the Bills are moving one way or another. There is talk that they are hot on the tail of the #1 overall pick but I don’t see that happening. I do think they move up, but only to #3 or so in order to take local hero Kahlil Mack. Buffalo is a proud city and if you think that they are going to let the best NFL prospect to come out of Buffalo in the history of Buffalo you are a lunatic. Mack has the potential to be a very productive player in the NFL and I think he will be. Unfortunately for the good people of Buffalo, he, like so many other stars that start out on the shores of Niagara Falls, will do his best work in another uniform. But enjoy the next five years, because he’ll be good. At #41 the Bills are sure to address the fact that they have only beaten the Pats twice in the last 10+ years so chances are they are sure to pick up another cornerback that is sure to suck horribly, but he’ll make one play sometime in his rookie year so that Bills fans will love him forever (Bills fans remind me of Penguins, they fall in love with someone and mate for life…).
Next up, the Pittsburgh Steelers. As much as I hate the Steelers, you have to admit that they do a pretty solid job in the draft. This year the Steelers have some needs and since the highest profile rapist (alleged) in the NCAA is only a freshman and therefore not eligible to be drafted, the Steelers are going to have to stick what’s got them there- defense. The Squealers have some serious needs this year, but their front office usually stays away from overrated guys, so I’m sure they go for a defensive player from a school that produces top players with legal troubles. That said Steeler fans, don’t be surprised if your first pick is a hoodlum from the University of Florida, Nebraska or even Miami. Said player will be good, but there is a strong possibility that he does at least 90 days sometime between June 1 and the start of the 2016 season. The Steelers come back around at #46 in the second round and I’m thinking that they try to find a guy that can run the ball (seeing as that is their identity). He’ll come from the Midwest and probably be injury prone, but never fear he’ll be a good flex guy on your fantasy team.
Fourth, we have the Baltimore Ravens at #17 overall. The Ravens are two years removed from a Super Bowl title, so history has told us that they will be back to a mediocre team this year. I believe that Ozzie Newsome is currently in negotiations with the league offices trying to use his first round pick to pay off some of Joe Flacco’s stupid contract, but the league isn’t budging so the Ravens will probably go defense (or just trade away all of their picks so that they don’t have to go over the cap). There will be a couple of decent pass rushers available in the middle of the first round so you’d think that they go there. Think undersized guys that can get on “the program” and suddenly on opening day he will be 75+lbs heavier and have anger management issues. My guess is he comes out of an SEC school, so think Dee Ford. The Ravens second pick will be #48 and you can count on them trying to upgrade their TE position. Pitta won’t be the guy that he was before the injury no matter how much HGH they pump into him, so ASJ might be your guy (if he’s there).
At #18 the New York Jets select…(Steeler and Raven fans should let the fact that the Geno Smith led Jets finished ahead of you…) Someone that is sure to be booed by Jet fans. As we all know, Rex thinks that offense is a commie plot so you can rest assured that the player he selects first will play defense and there is a good chance he will have played at Alabama. If CJ Mosely is still on the board Rex may not be able to get up from the draft table in fear of poking someone’s eye out. The Jets could also be a wildcard to trade all the way up to the top five so that they can get their hands on John Q. Football. We all know how much of an affinity Woody has for overrated QB’s that will run through every underage fake blond in Manhattan. With their second pick (#49) the Jets will go offense but the player will no doubt be terrible and do nothing to gain the Jets any respect with the sports media in NY.
Next up, the Dolphins. The Fins have been on the rise in recent years, which tells me that they are due for a huge bust this year. They need an offensive lineman to protect the Tanchize, but once again Mr. Ross and Co. are going to put their faith in Lauren Tannehill’s gun collection to protect QB and look to take a special teams ace in the first. I’m sure there’s a couple of Oregon Ducks or USC Trojans that will never amount to more than a pile of floating manatee dung that the Fins can lock onto. I don’t even need to look at the number for their second pick, you can be sure that it will be the only guy from “The U” to come out this year and suck (there’s always one…).
Funny that we’ve had to wait this long to talk about the Bengals. In recent years the Circus Cats have drafted extremely well- I’m a huge fan of AJ Green and the Red Rocket and Gio B aren’t too bad either. The Bengals currently hold the 24th overall pick, which is kind of uncharted territory seeing as the Queen City Cats have been a laughing stock since the days of Boomer Esiason. In keeping with tradition, the Bengals are due to let down their fans this year. Not that the player they take will be terrible, but he won’t be a “sexy” pick. I’m thinking offensive line from a school somewhere in the Midwest that produces giant farmers. In the second round (#55 overall) think secondary. Pac Man Jones has been out of jail for a couple of years now and I’m sure he’s feeling itchy, so the front office is sure to be anticipating his upcoming arrest.
Last but not least we have the New England Patriots. They are the best team in either of these divisions and their Head Coach/ GM is as omnipresent as ever. Bill Belichick has had a couple of decent drafts in a row now, but he is getting to be an older gentleman these days, so this year we can be assured that he will trade his #1 pick (do you expect an old man to say up that late to pick?) for a handful of 2nd’s and 3rd’s in this and next year’s drafts that will be spent on a potpourri of average to below average players that will decent for a little while but ultimately flame out. Bill understands that he is head and shoulders above every other coach in the league and now that he not only has the best QB in the league (the regular season doesn’t matter here so Peyton is #2) but now has arguably the best defensive back in the league he will take some fliers on guys that have potential or spotty personal histories. Two guys that we can almost be assured will be Patriots are Brandon Coleman (he went to Rutgers) and quite possibly James Wilder Jr. (James’ father is a HoFer and we all know how much Bill loves history…).
There you have it. You have been warned.