We did it everyone! We’ve suffered through another spring and summer and have come out on the other side feeling very good about our respective teams. So what that some of them have no QB, or that one doesn’t know who will get the opportunity to play in the first few games, or if your coach spends his offseason as the most lifelike extra ever in a Zombie series? The new season is upon us and both hope and doom abound.
Let’s get right to it:
Since every team lost, let’s start with the one that sucks the most; the New York Jets. The Jets began the post Geno era (I say this because I believe that his days in green and white are over) began just as the Geno era finished (and began and lived and just was the way it was), with the offense doing absolutely nothing. The Jets new and once believed to be unassailable secondary opened the game by letting the truly average combo Matt Stafford and Golden Tate to burn them for a long TD pass, then the front seven allowed rookie RB Ameer Abdullah to run fancy free all over them (on the plus side, this performance should make Thumbs feel better about trading the highest paid, so therefore best, Kicker in the league for a rookie RB that plays for the Lions…). The jets even got a good look at their future when Bryce Petty got in there- the future looks bleak. It got so bad for the Jets that even Greg Salas and the brother-in-law of that guy I my fantasy football league hooked up for a TD in the third quarter.
Conclusion: Good luck Jets, it’s gonna be a looooong year….
In second to last place we find the New England Patriots. The Pats sucked fairly hard against the Packers last week. The Galloping Chicken just looked lost, he was forcing wildly thrown balls in to the worse receiver since Chad Jackson al evening and when he wasn’t he was running directly into the pass rush for a sack. The line was horrible, with the exception of Tre Jackson and Shaq Mason, they were just a little worse than bad. The one positive that I saw was actually the defense. Malcom Butler is the greatest CB to wear an NFL uniform since the great Tony Dungy donned one and the rest of the team employed the Swiss Defense strategy to perfection. It’s all about lulling the opponents into 3rd and short situations where every once in a while they will foolishly think that running the balls for a short gain is better than throwing into those wide open spaces throughout the secondary, thus occasionally being able t get off the field on third (or 4th) down.
Conclusion: None of this matters; the Pats will win the division and lose in the AFC Championship game (unless they get the Colts, then they lose in the SB)
Next up, we find the Buffalo Bills. Rex just can’t seem to get out of his own way, I mean he’s leading the best defensive team since Leonidas led his crew of Spartans at the Thermopylae Pass but he just plain refuses to let his offense win games. Marshaling all of the wisdom he could, Rex decided it would be best for the team if Matt Cassell started the game. I disagree, but hey maybe the Bills’ players really needed a kind of scared straight situation and watching Cassell suck out loud made them realize that they need to work harder so as to not embarrass themselves like that…EJ Manuel seems to have gotten the message, he closed his eyes and heaved up a nice TD pass to some guy that will be bagging groceries next month. All in all the Bills payed OK. This game was kind of a microcosm of every season they ever have; started off OK, got a little dicey there in the middle, then have your heart ripped out at the end and lose.
Conclusion: The defense is wonderful, but not enough.
Last but certainly not least are the Miami Dolphins. I didn’t check the Dolphins’ score before entering the discussion late last week and was surprised, given the copious amount of blow-hole lube that was coating the place, to discover that the Fins did not win their contest against Jay Cutler and company. Ryan Tannehill came out and proved all of the haters wrong, his 6 for 7 performance throwing the ball should leave no doubt in anyone’s mind that he is ready to unseat Aaron Rodgers as the best QB in the NFL and Tom Brady as the greatest winner that the game has ever seen. There is no doubt in my mind that Mercury Morris is going to have to kill himself his season because it will be impossible for him to admit that a team could ever be nearly as good as that team he played on before most of us were born or that a team that the Dolphins field is not in some way wonderful. Yup, if Ryan can somehow figure out a way to have a child with an unnamed mistress and then abandon said child before the end of the season, he will certainly have matched the Great Dan Marino’s legacy given Fins fans the world over an excuse to forget about the decade of shitty QBs that the team has rolled out there…Oh yeah, the defense is OK.
Conclusion: None of this really matters, this game is a perfect representation of the Joe Philbin era, looks kind of good, but you still lose.