Gonna have to be quick today because I’m awfully busy, but we sure did learn a lot this weekend. Some teams were exposed as frauds, one showed their true heart and one showed their mediocrity. Any guesses as to who falls in what category? No? Well then I’ll tell you:
Is there a bigger group of frauds in the NFL than the NY Jets? Rex and company came into Orchard Park so high on themselves that they said, “What the hell, let’s call off our meetings and go play some whack a mole.” After Geno came in last in the Pop a Shot contest, the team boarded the bus (with Geno pouting in the back row) and made the journey to Ralph Wilson stadium where the guy that fell off the upper deck while trying to slide down the railing actually had a better day than the Jets. What a clown show. While Geno’s 10.1 QB rating was a little higher than his Pop a Shot score, it was still the lowest of any starting QB in the NFL this year. Ed Reed kept his losing streak alive and really showed that Rex knew something the rest of us didn’t when he went out and signed the safety that looks more like the homeless guy rooting around the dumpster for cans than the sure fire Hall of Famer he once was (note: Ed will no doubt be a HOF’er, but this is still embarrassing). One more gamplan like that and they’ll be handing Rex his pink slip come December 30th.
Now things get a little tougher, but in an effort to stay consistent the next worst team on our list will have to be the New England Patriots. You can’t lose games and expect me to rank you highly for your effort. The Pats played well against what was hailed as the league’s best defense, but in the end they came up four points short. If Stevan Ridley didn’t suck, they would have been at least three points closer. And if Josh McDaniels wasn’t such an arrogant arse, the game would have been tied going into that final Patriots drive. Let me elaborate. Mr. Fumbles dropping the ball on the Carolina 10 was a six to ten point swing. The Pats were moving the ball (albeit aided by the Panthers defensive backs) and were in position for a chippy field goal had Fumbles not dropped the ball. That resulted in the Panthers driving down the field for a field goal so even if the Pats hadn’t scored a TD on that drive, they would have undoubtedly scored a field goal instead of the Panthers scoring a FG instead. Now to that weasely faced piece of smelly garbage that calls the plays for the Pats. Never one to allow a chance for a pretty TD pass to pass him by Josh decided to call a masterful one man pass play on third and goal from the one. What an a-hole. Your team has been driving down the field and averaging about six yards per rush (with your 6’ 240lb running back mind you) and the defensive line is on its heels. Sure let’s throw a pass. What a freaking moron. I’ve been writing weekly letters to Mr. Belichick for weeks asking for this clown to be fired, I think it’s time you all started as well. Oh yeah, Matt Petricia, it’s third down let’s not have the d-line crash the middle and allow Cam to crawl for the six yards he needs for a first down. You sir suck as well. (bad coordinators that can’t come up with a play when they really need one is another sign of fraudulence)
Now to the winners. The Miami Dolphins had us all endure three hours of mediocrity in their pillow fight against the whale’s vaginas on Sunday but escaped with a win. Chuck Clay (I can call him Chuck because my middle name is Charles so that makes me an honorary Chuck) continues to prove that he may in fact be a beast and he is certainly not a man to be trifled with. Mike Sherman continues to show us that he is truly and innovator by handcuffing Ryan Tannehill and ensuring that no matter how well his team plays they will not blow out their opponent (some might call that sportsmanlike, I call it cowardly). But on the plus side Tanny’s 22/35, 268, 1TD performance was worthy of a “game manager” title. Now if the offensive line can somehow avoid another player quitting, being suspended or called in for questioning in front of a grand jury for his knowledge of an interstate weapons trafficking ring, they should be good to make a push towards spoiling some other team’s chances at the playoffs.
And last but most certainly not least we have the top performer of the week- (drum roll) Your Buffalo Bills!!! Try as we might to bury this team, they are looking more and more like the sleeper team that they were once thought to be (OK, maybe not but they’re way better than the Jags, which is an improvement in Buffalo). The Bills thoroughly dominated the lowly Jets on Sunday. EJ opened up a can of the finest 15 year Whoop Ass on Dee Miliner and the collection of stiffs that Rex rolls out there week after week and the defense- led by “Million Dollar Mario” and Kiko “You Stay Away From Me With That Pee Cup” Alonso the defense made Geno look like the lost little child we all knew he was. The Bills’ front seven dominated from the word go, making the Jets look like the turnstiles of old and forcing Geno to just close his eyes and hope for the best. It was nice to see, and with a little good fortune (and a new offensive coordinator) the Bills could be ready to challenge New England for a division title once Brady retires.
Bonus section:
The whipping that the Bills applied to the Jets may have been the result of Coach Marrone watching his former team get their asses handed to them on Saturday to the tune of a 59-3 thumping. While blowing out the Orangemen (I’m using their original, god given name) is not a real feat on its own, the ‘Noles were impressive in the way that they laid the beating down. They showed some great balance and were able to showcase a few guys that will be giving ACC defenders fits for years to come.
Also, isn’t it cute that now Urban Meyer (possibly the only coach I hate more than Josh McD) is saying the BCS is a flawed system because it doesn’t award points to shitty teams that play in even shittier conferences and refuse to schedule a real opponent in out of conference play. Man I hope he gets hit by a bus.
And lastly, it’s nice to see Jonathan Martin is cured enough spend some quality time yucking it up on the sidelines while his alma mater gets embarrassed by a completely underwhelming USC team.
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