Week 7 Overreactions
Woo hoo! What a weekend. It’s finally happened; every team in the division got a win. I’m so excited, let’s get right to it.
In last place, we have the New York Jets. They still sit here in last because they did get a win in my eyes on Thursday night, unfortunately they beat themselves. It is nice to see the Jets play reasonably well, so I think it would be a nice gesture to let them out of the basement and sit in the sun in the backyard. Maybe we should even get the hose out and spray some of that sticky stuff off of them. The Jets played as well as they possibly could have against the Pats on Thursday evening and probably could have escaped with a win had Marty Mornhinweg not been such a Jet that he turned away from the run once the team got inside the 20 every time. The Jets were running with ease against the Pats Swiss cheese defensive front, there were holes that Thumbs could have driven the Buick through sideways and Chris Ivory was getting 6 yards a run without even trying. Of course the Jets would then pass once they got to 3rd and 3 or anywhere inside the 20, that’s just the Jet thing to do. So the Jets’ official record shows a loss, but we all know that they deserve a win for beating themselves.
In third place, taking their annual trip downstairs to check on the peasants, we have the New England Patriots. Wow, there’s really nothing like following up two weeks of solid football with a big fat stinker in front of a national audience. It’s nice to see that Josh McD has stored his head safely in his rectum for the winter; I’d hate to think what would happen if it got too cold and he lost any more brain cells. It sure is lucky that god is a Pats fan and moved that weather system up a few hours so that Tom could throw, because had that happened the Pats would have lost somewhere around 27-0. As predicted by one exceptionally handsome writer on this very site, Shane Vereen owned the Jets early on and if the idiot McDaniels had just kept trying to feed him the ball he probably could have had a career day. On the other hand, making the game so close allowed Josh’s favorite china doll Danny Amendola to actually contribute in the game, making a gorgeous TD catch on 3rd and goal from the 19. (A large assist has to go to the Jets’ secondary on this one. What bunch of morons would let a guy get behind them on a 3rd and goal play?) Look for Danny to be listed as out for a few weeks with some sort of broken something when the injury report is released on Wednesday. The final play was a great bit of symmetry when Chris Jones, the man flagged for that penalty that had never been called before or since last year’s game, reached up a giant paw to dash the hopes and dreams of the Jets and their fans. All in all it was the type of game that most teams should lose; the Pats should thank their lucky stars that they were playing the Jets.
Now we move on the teams that won their games on their own and did not need an incompetent opponent to manage a win.
In second place we have the Buffalo Bills. QB Kyle Orton; after being followed by police while he circled the local elementary school shaved his “pedo-stache” and seems to have undergone a sort of reverse Samson transformation. Sure the Ort-man is no doubt the reason that the Bills were down in the 4th quarter, but he showed the kind of resilience that one only gains from years of frustration backing up the likes of Tim Tebow, Tony Romo and EJ Manuel. Kyle was calm, cool and collected on the final drive where he featured, Sammy “I don’t play like I went to Clemson” Watkins and young Sammy (I still think grown men who go by Sammy are lacking man parts…) put the weight of Buffalo (and anyone who’s seen their women knows that A LOT of weight) on his shoulders and snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. The Bills sit at 4-3 and are knocking on the door of the playoffs. THIS IS THE YEAR!! (well maybe next…)
And making their annual mid-season trip up to the top floor to see how the other half lives, we find the Miami Dolphins. It appears that someone finally got Plastic Joe to take the sleepy time cough medicine at noon so he was unavailable to find a way to screw up the game plan. Ryan The Great (who in picked up as a spot starter on a Fantasy team) completed his first 14 passes, a feat that I’m sure he has never accomplished before (even just playing catch during practice) and will never achieve again, leading to two TDs in the first half. The Teal and Orange gave the vaunted Bears offense fits, rushing only three most of the time and yet still getting to Cutler before he could even blow out the first rip of his cigarette. The Fins looked majestic against a team that came to blows in the locker room after the game, let’s hope they can keep it up against the powerhouse from up the coast this week.